Good Meeting vs. Bad Meeting

I really feel blessed that I live in a city that has so many meetings to choose from. Most days I can choose from three different meetings to attend, some days four.
The meetings that I ~love~ change from time to time, depending on where I am in my recovery. If I am taking an emotional nose-dive, I love the meetings where I find the oldtimers, many who seem to have almost perfected "Keep It Simple".
On days when I feel in alignment with Gods will for me, I love the meetings attended by newcomers, or the institutional meetings. I want so deeply to be able to offer some little ray of hope in the same way others gave that to me.
Today is Friday....a four-meetings-to-choose-from day.
Here comes the *but*.....the thing I have been struggling with for some time now.....
One of those meetings is a *Womens Meeting*. In and of itself, that doesnt bother me. I understand that for various reasons, some people may feel safer or more free to share when the oposite sex is removed.
I have gone to this meeting on various occassions. Sometimes my intentions were good, sometimes they were filled with ego.
My personal experience with this particular meeting is that it is filled with "whiners". You know the joke that men make about womens meetings about us just getting together so we can bash men? That truely goes on there! Lots of talk about "inner child" and "setting boundaries". Very little talk about the selfish and self-centerdness on our part as alcoholics.
So....sometimes I go. I go so I can talk about the things I read in the Big Book (pretty sure Ive never read ANYTHING about the inner-child in there). I go so I can talk about my disease and how it affects my thinking. Sometimes I go because (heres the ego part) I feel better than these women and I want to teach them something. My distorted thinking will rationalize that with "Its for the good of AA! What about these new women who wander into the room?! I dont want them to think AA is some kind of therapy circle where we hold hands and talk about the people who have harmed/beat/raped/abused/took advantage of us!"
~sigh~
For today, I have to put my recovery first. And for me that means going to a meeting where experience has shown me I can get filled up instead of depleated. Where I can put my ego and my agenda aside and take in some of God's will for me.
Funny, how when I put pen to paper (or finger to keyboard in this case) things become clearer.
Happy Friday!

Grace

Have you ever asked somebody how they were doing and watched them respond with the pasted on smile and the words "Im fine...great...everything is great"
And you want to look them in the eyes and tell them to stop lying.

I have a friend like that. Not the pasted on smile part....the part where he will look me in the eyes and tell me to stop lying.
We never get together for coffee or talk on the phone. We just see each other at home group every week.
He's one of my best friends. One of my greatest teachers.
I want what he has.

So today, when I asked someone how they were doing, and I got the pasted on smile....I told them to stop lying.
Sometimes my recovery is about doing the things that others did with me.
Giving it away.
Sharing my truth.
God's grace has touched me too many times to count.
God help me be part of the grace that touches other people.

A Beautiful Mess

I went to my husbands home group on Monday night.
I noticed her sitting there by herself.
At first I was mad....I mean, where are the women of this group??!! Why are they letting this newcomer sit all by herself??!!
Then I figured that maybe the reason I noticed her was because God had a plan.
So I went and introduced myself and asked if I could sit with her.
She just moved here (geographical cure that failed, I suspect) and she has nobody. Nobody but us bunch of drunks (IF we take the time to notice her sitting there ladies!!)
She was too scared to go up and get a chip.....so I led her up after the meeting and placed one in her hand. We agreed to meet again the next day for another AA meeting.
She carried that chip around with her all day.
She is as quiet as a mouse, and she looks scared silly.
I desperately wanted to fill all the dead air with words....something, anything to give her some hope.
I wanted to ask her questions about herself....but I didnt want to pry and make her uncomfortable.
I wanted to share ALL of my experiences, but I didnt want to talk about myself like some ego-maniac.
I settled for patting her arm once in awhile and hugging her afterwards and telling her that it's going to get better.....please keep coming.
We are going to another meeting tonight. I called some of my pajama gals (I'll explain that in another post) and they are going too.....calling in the troops so to speak.
I just phoned her to confirm that I will pick her up.
I asked how she was doing.
"Ummmmmmm....what answer do you want?" she asked me.
I told her I wanted an honest one.
"Im a beautiful mess" she replied.
I loved that answer.
She IS a beautiful mess.
I pray she keeps coming....I pray she allows the miracle of AA to happen in her life.
Because then she will live in her beautiful part....without the mess.

seven days away from AA makes one weak

That is a slogan that is used at my dads home group. Until recently, I just took that particular bit of wisdom at face value. In my two and a half years of recovery I had always attended at least three meetings a week....
that was my standard dose of neccesary medicine. And then holiday time came.
Sixteen days of time I had been looking forward to, the way that a kid looks forward to Christmas.
I spend my holdays at the lake, less than an hour from home, certainly close enough to come back for meetings. There are meetings within ten or fifteen minutes from the lake.
But I flew by the seat of my pants, and planned on deciding day by day wether or not I would "need" a meeting.
Part of me was a little excited about having sixteen whole days with no plans, nothing on the agenda, nothing I "had" to do.
Here's what happened:
For the first few days I felt great. I was joyful and useful and looked for ways that I could bring the best of myself to each sitution.
The next few days were spent absentmindedly focussing on how my friends new boyfriend was ticking me off. Let me mention here that my friend and her boyfriend are both in recovery, as well as my husband. I had all these people surrounding me that understand acutely how the mind of an alcoholic works. That being said, I can often judge harshly people who are in recovery. I tend to hold them to a different standard than I hold the rest of the world. My inner attitude says that people in recovery should know better than to behave like asses.
By day six or seven....I was a seething, resentful mess.
I took that opportunity to question my spouse about his recovery and point out that he hadnt been to a meeting or talked to his sponsor in a week!
He did sulk off to call his sponsor.....likely to ask him if he had any ideas of a good place to hide my body.
I too called my sponsor....to bitch and moan about my friends boyfriend and his completly selfish, unacceptable behavior.
She gently pointed out that it was none of my business.
I spent the next few days trying to justify why it was so my business.
I spent those days also being sucky that my holidays were not bringing me the joyful feeling that I thought they would. I fought with hubby about money. I was overly sensitive to perceived critisism. I martyred.
By day 9 I recognized that I simply cannot fly by the seat of my pants and depend on my alcoholic mind to transport me to a meeting. I need sober feet to carry me there, regardless of what my mind tells me. I need to incorporate meetings into my travel plans.....
Seven days away from AA makes one weak.