What follows is an email I sent her about a personal story about my 'unfortunate meeting" in early recovery.
Ok, the story....and Im not making it up...this really happened.
I was somewhere around 60 days sober. I went to the saturday night meeting. It was not one of my favoite meetings....I found it clique-y, and it was too big for my comfort zone. BUT...it was a speaker meeting....so at least I wouldnt have to worry about sharing.
As plans go (not 'my' plans exactly...but whatever kinda plan is going on in the universe)
I was asked to read something.
At the front.
In front of all those clique-y people.
WITH a microphone!
Even though I didnt want to, I braved-up and agreed to read 'yesterday, today and tomorrow'.
I shook the whole time, my voice squeeked....it was a pretty scary experience, but nonetheless, I didnt die.
Then.......(drum roll please)
At the end of the meeting, a well known woman, with plenty of sobriety came up to me, and loud enough for everyone within a 10 foot radius said "Ummm, Julie...you might want to rethink what you wear to meetings."
Huh? What? WTF?
"well....that top you are wearing is pretty low cut, I mean...I can see cleavage for goodness sakes. What exactly are you trying to prove?"
At that moment I wished the earth would open up and swallow me.
I was so embarressed...and I wasnt even sure why.
I thought my top was ok....
I mean...I did think it was ok....
well, it was ok wasnt it?
Oh god...
maybe it wasnt ok...
maybe everyone was looking at me thinking that I was simply using AA as a way to attract men.
Oh my god....they all think Im a slut! Why would I wear this stupid top??!!!
I came home in tears.
My husband forced the story out of me...and then he laughed.
Laughed!
As it turns out, my top (at least acccording to hubby, and later the other 10 people I questioned) was fine. It was appropriate, it was not even slutty in a minor way.
But I took on the words and opinion of one other person, and I gave those words enormous power. I turned her words into the words that everbody must be saying behind my back.
Turns out, us alcoholics are extremely sensitive people.
The lesson for me was learning how to wrap my sensitive-nerve in a bit of insulation.
I had left that 'feeling-nerve' exposed to the world my whole life. If someone said the least little thing that I precieved as critical, then before long, I was ashamed, guilty, angry, less-than, broken, fucked-up, worthless etc....
How you ask? How do we insulate that particlar feeling-nerve?
We trust the people around us, that know us and love us, to tell us the truth.
IF my top had of been inapropriate, Jay would have told me. So would Christie and Lou.
Even if they knew I would be embarressed at that bit of info, they would tell me the truth.
I will always tel you the truth.
Lou will always tell you the truth.
Jen and Kendra will tell you the truth.
Trust the people who love you while you are learning to trust yourself.
