H.A.L.T = hungry, angry lonely tired.
Am I hungry? Yes....all Ive eaten today is a handful of ritz crackers and a mouthful of apple juice.
Angry? That would be a yes as well. The hubby is working again today. He works every day! The house is a mess and is beginning to look like an episode of Hoarders....ok, Im blowing that a wee bit out of proportion but its pretty messy. Messy with HIS stuff. I refuse to pick up after a grown man who chooses to work at his job until he's so tired he drops into bed and has no energy for his home.
Lonely? Yup....see above.
Tired? Yeah....~sigh~ Tired of my house being a mess.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
No Justifications
There are giants in the rooms you know. There have been giants placed in my path that have had a profound effect on my recovery.
I am remembering the time L. told me that if I live the spiritual principals of this program, I will never need to justify myself again.
What??
It took me weeks to wrap my head around that one.
Now I tell sponsees that and marvel at their look of confusion and wonder....and hope.
I love AA. I love my giants.
I am remembering the time L. told me that if I live the spiritual principals of this program, I will never need to justify myself again.
What??
It took me weeks to wrap my head around that one.
Now I tell sponsees that and marvel at their look of confusion and wonder....and hope.
I love AA. I love my giants.
Monday, November 23, 2009
The People I Disliked The Most
My alcoholic mind works in strange ways. From time to time, I will decide there are certain people I intensely dislike. I will let them take up residence in my head and spend inordinate amounts of time deciding why I don’t like them. Good thing I learned that my perception was/is screwed up.
Strange, as my recovery changes, the people whom I dislike change. I’ve been told that the reasons I dislike certain people are probably the things I need to look at in myself. How positively horrifying! I thought this was the biggest load of hooey when I first heard it.
It’s almost laughable how true those words have been in my journey. Let’s see: I “hated” Tanna because she was outgoing and pretty and made friends easily. But my alcoholic mind said I hate Tanna because she flirts with everyone, has to be the center of attention and probably spends all her money on fancy clothes instead of her kids like a good mom would do. Lesson that came through the steps: I am prone to jealous fits, I want to be the center of attention and resent anyone who takes my spot, and I judge all mothers because I wanted to know where I stood on the measuring stick of moms and had a sicko need to put others lower than me.
I “hated” Travis. He was simply there to teach everyone, had an ego the size of…..well I dunno, but bigger than everyone else’s, and he was a know-it-all. Hmmmm, so what did I find out through the steps? That I have some kind of oppositional defiance disorder. When someone wants to teach me then they better disguise it as something else so that I think I figured it out otherwise I’m closing my ears. I also learned that my ego was out of control and that’s why I was so quick to focus on others who I perceived as thinking they were better than me. Pride will kill me.
Then there was Janis. I “hated” her the most. She took up so much space in my head that I should have presented her a bill for rent. Sometimes on very bad days I still think I hate her. On a decent day I can tolerate her. On a particularly good day I might feel that she has something of value to give to somebody, somewhere. The strange thing is I find it hard to even tell you what I don’t like about her. Maybe it’s the way she walks around with her nose in the air. Maybe it’s the way she avoids me at meetings. Maybe it’s the way she appears fake. It could have something to do with how judgmental I think she is. And ungrateful. And gossipy. And materialistic.
When it slowly dawned on me that all the things I hated about her were the things I hated about myself, I wanted to barf. Was I really that person? Could I act that awful? Is that who I was?
What I learned through the steps: There is hope for me. I don’t have to live that way anymore. I don’t have to be that person I hate so much. Every day I can ask God to remove from me the character defects that get in the way of serving Him and doing His will. I can work on and cultivate the gifts God gave me. I can use those gifts to better the lives of others and as a bonus my life seems to improve. I am not, nor was I ever broken beyond repair. I just needed to have the willingness to look at myself.
Strange, as my recovery changes, the people whom I dislike change. I’ve been told that the reasons I dislike certain people are probably the things I need to look at in myself. How positively horrifying! I thought this was the biggest load of hooey when I first heard it.
It’s almost laughable how true those words have been in my journey. Let’s see: I “hated” Tanna because she was outgoing and pretty and made friends easily. But my alcoholic mind said I hate Tanna because she flirts with everyone, has to be the center of attention and probably spends all her money on fancy clothes instead of her kids like a good mom would do. Lesson that came through the steps: I am prone to jealous fits, I want to be the center of attention and resent anyone who takes my spot, and I judge all mothers because I wanted to know where I stood on the measuring stick of moms and had a sicko need to put others lower than me.
I “hated” Travis. He was simply there to teach everyone, had an ego the size of…..well I dunno, but bigger than everyone else’s, and he was a know-it-all. Hmmmm, so what did I find out through the steps? That I have some kind of oppositional defiance disorder. When someone wants to teach me then they better disguise it as something else so that I think I figured it out otherwise I’m closing my ears. I also learned that my ego was out of control and that’s why I was so quick to focus on others who I perceived as thinking they were better than me. Pride will kill me.
Then there was Janis. I “hated” her the most. She took up so much space in my head that I should have presented her a bill for rent. Sometimes on very bad days I still think I hate her. On a decent day I can tolerate her. On a particularly good day I might feel that she has something of value to give to somebody, somewhere. The strange thing is I find it hard to even tell you what I don’t like about her. Maybe it’s the way she walks around with her nose in the air. Maybe it’s the way she avoids me at meetings. Maybe it’s the way she appears fake. It could have something to do with how judgmental I think she is. And ungrateful. And gossipy. And materialistic.
When it slowly dawned on me that all the things I hated about her were the things I hated about myself, I wanted to barf. Was I really that person? Could I act that awful? Is that who I was?
What I learned through the steps: There is hope for me. I don’t have to live that way anymore. I don’t have to be that person I hate so much. Every day I can ask God to remove from me the character defects that get in the way of serving Him and doing His will. I can work on and cultivate the gifts God gave me. I can use those gifts to better the lives of others and as a bonus my life seems to improve. I am not, nor was I ever broken beyond repair. I just needed to have the willingness to look at myself.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Reminded by a newcomer
Once again, a newcomer reminded me of some powerful feelings that I needed to have stirred up.
She shared with me that 2 months in, she still didnt feel a sense of belonging. She felt that if she never came to another meeting, not one person would say "Hey...anybody seen that new girl lately?" Often, she goes to meetings alone and ends up sitting by herself. How sad. How very very sad.
Gave myself a right good kick in the pants for all the times Ive stood talking with my friends instead of looking around for people all by themselves. Gave myself another kick for forgetting how awful it feels to be alone and how wonderful it feels when somebody remembers your name and sits beside you in a meeting so you arent alone.
Ok done kicking myself. Into action from here on in.
She shared with me that 2 months in, she still didnt feel a sense of belonging. She felt that if she never came to another meeting, not one person would say "Hey...anybody seen that new girl lately?" Often, she goes to meetings alone and ends up sitting by herself. How sad. How very very sad.
Gave myself a right good kick in the pants for all the times Ive stood talking with my friends instead of looking around for people all by themselves. Gave myself another kick for forgetting how awful it feels to be alone and how wonderful it feels when somebody remembers your name and sits beside you in a meeting so you arent alone.
Ok done kicking myself. Into action from here on in.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Meeting you in my pajamas
Okay, do you know what drives me crazy? The brand new sober girls who come to meetings looking like they just stepped out of a photo shoot. Gorgeous outfits, every hair in place, flawless make-up, killer shoes and a hand bag to match. You know why it drives me crazy? Ummmm, cuz I did it. I didn’t realize at the time *why* I was doing it, but through my step work it was laid out on paper for me to see. It was a great way to keep people at bay. It was a way to send a message to everyone that I was FINE (which I now know to mean fucked-up interior, nice exterior). It stroked my ego and allowed me to feel better than people who didn’t look so well put together.
6 months in, I was wondering why I wasn’t connecting with anyone and why I didn’t feel better. I was physically sober, but emotional sobriety was a long way off.
After listening to a speaker one night address these issues, something started to click. I went up to thank her after the meeting and she took one look at me and said “Woooo girl! Don’t you look lovely! How long are you sober? Got a sponsor? What step are you on? Waddaya mean girls don’t like you? I have a suggestion for you and listen well. Go home, wash off that make-up, throw a ball cap on your head and go to a meeting wearing your pajamas.”
Huh? My pajamas? She didn’t mean those sexy pajamas either. She meant the flannel pj pants that bag in the bum.
It took me a few more weeks of doing things my way before I sucked it up and did as I was told.
I stripped away all the external bobbles that kept me hidden from the world. I threw on the jammies and went to a meeting.
I felt weird and uncomfortable and naked and vulnerable.
And people came up to me, sat beside me during the meeting, pulled me into conversations and invited me out for coffee. In my jammies! It looked to me like these weirdo alcoholics liked the me they could see without all the fixings. Huh. Go figure.
A cool thing happened as a result of taking that speakers suggestion. When I stripped off the physical masks that kept me from being completely and rigorously honest, I couldn’t help but to strip away some of the emotional masks that kept me from belonging and bonding and sharing.
So, if you are someone who dresses up to go to a meeting, I dare you to wear your jammies and see what happens. Do it……dig out those plaid pj pants and a baseball cap and get going.
6 months in, I was wondering why I wasn’t connecting with anyone and why I didn’t feel better. I was physically sober, but emotional sobriety was a long way off.
After listening to a speaker one night address these issues, something started to click. I went up to thank her after the meeting and she took one look at me and said “Woooo girl! Don’t you look lovely! How long are you sober? Got a sponsor? What step are you on? Waddaya mean girls don’t like you? I have a suggestion for you and listen well. Go home, wash off that make-up, throw a ball cap on your head and go to a meeting wearing your pajamas.”
Huh? My pajamas? She didn’t mean those sexy pajamas either. She meant the flannel pj pants that bag in the bum.
It took me a few more weeks of doing things my way before I sucked it up and did as I was told.
I stripped away all the external bobbles that kept me hidden from the world. I threw on the jammies and went to a meeting.
I felt weird and uncomfortable and naked and vulnerable.
And people came up to me, sat beside me during the meeting, pulled me into conversations and invited me out for coffee. In my jammies! It looked to me like these weirdo alcoholics liked the me they could see without all the fixings. Huh. Go figure.
A cool thing happened as a result of taking that speakers suggestion. When I stripped off the physical masks that kept me from being completely and rigorously honest, I couldn’t help but to strip away some of the emotional masks that kept me from belonging and bonding and sharing.
So, if you are someone who dresses up to go to a meeting, I dare you to wear your jammies and see what happens. Do it……dig out those plaid pj pants and a baseball cap and get going.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
To Thine Own Self Be True
To Thine Own Self Be True
That’s what it says…on my chips. I know I’ve turned them over dozens, maybe hundreds of times and looked at those words. I remember thinking “Ha! What an order! I can’t go through with it.”
I’ve wondered, and still wonder on many days what exactly those words mean. From my earliest memory, I know that I was a chameleon, morphing into what I thought others expected from me. Trying to fit in and having the sneaking suspicion that I was failing miserably. I tried to fit with the athletic girls. That lasted until I was picked last for a team and internalized that as “I’m no good. Nobody wants me”. I tried to fit with the kids who got A’s. Woo, that lasted until I figured out how hard I was going to have to work. I tried to fit with the pretty girls, but there was always somebody prettier than me and besides, my parents wouldn’t let me wear make-up at age 12 and sneaking into the drugstore every morning to apply my face with the samples was ridiculous. Plus I got caught wearing the stuff and got grounded. I tried to fit with the artsy crowd, but I didn’t paint, can’t draw a stick figure, don’t play any musical instruments and poetry seemed dumb.
So I fit where all the other misfits did. With the ones who drank and used drugs. In that crowd I didn’t have to strive for A’s and study my butt off. I wasn’t required to pick up a baseball or run around chasing a soccer ball. Nobody cared if I read books or painted or sculpted. I didn’t have to wear the latest fashions or have my hair done at the trendiest salon. It was so easy to fit and belong with them. All that was required was that I share what I had.
Fast forward 25 years. I still belong with a bunch of drug addicts and alcoholics. Only now we are recovering.
And now I’m wondering if I had of strived for A’s if I could have got them. I wonder if I could have learned to play the guitar and understand poetry. I wonder if I like photography so much because that is the artsy part of me striving to come out.
I don’t want to waste any more time caring where I fit or don’t fit. I fit where I decide. I don’t have to be the smartest, prettiest, funniest, or most talented. I just have to be me and strive to be the me that God intended. To a non-addict or non-alcoholic, it might sound funny that being true to myself is a daily ongoing struggle. But I know in the rooms of AA I have found a place where I can practice being myself and learning to be ok with who I am. Imperfect. Blessedly, wonderfully imperfect.
That’s what it says…on my chips. I know I’ve turned them over dozens, maybe hundreds of times and looked at those words. I remember thinking “Ha! What an order! I can’t go through with it.”
I’ve wondered, and still wonder on many days what exactly those words mean. From my earliest memory, I know that I was a chameleon, morphing into what I thought others expected from me. Trying to fit in and having the sneaking suspicion that I was failing miserably. I tried to fit with the athletic girls. That lasted until I was picked last for a team and internalized that as “I’m no good. Nobody wants me”. I tried to fit with the kids who got A’s. Woo, that lasted until I figured out how hard I was going to have to work. I tried to fit with the pretty girls, but there was always somebody prettier than me and besides, my parents wouldn’t let me wear make-up at age 12 and sneaking into the drugstore every morning to apply my face with the samples was ridiculous. Plus I got caught wearing the stuff and got grounded. I tried to fit with the artsy crowd, but I didn’t paint, can’t draw a stick figure, don’t play any musical instruments and poetry seemed dumb.
So I fit where all the other misfits did. With the ones who drank and used drugs. In that crowd I didn’t have to strive for A’s and study my butt off. I wasn’t required to pick up a baseball or run around chasing a soccer ball. Nobody cared if I read books or painted or sculpted. I didn’t have to wear the latest fashions or have my hair done at the trendiest salon. It was so easy to fit and belong with them. All that was required was that I share what I had.
Fast forward 25 years. I still belong with a bunch of drug addicts and alcoholics. Only now we are recovering.
And now I’m wondering if I had of strived for A’s if I could have got them. I wonder if I could have learned to play the guitar and understand poetry. I wonder if I like photography so much because that is the artsy part of me striving to come out.
I don’t want to waste any more time caring where I fit or don’t fit. I fit where I decide. I don’t have to be the smartest, prettiest, funniest, or most talented. I just have to be me and strive to be the me that God intended. To a non-addict or non-alcoholic, it might sound funny that being true to myself is a daily ongoing struggle. But I know in the rooms of AA I have found a place where I can practice being myself and learning to be ok with who I am. Imperfect. Blessedly, wonderfully imperfect.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Heard this song with a new ear
Share The Land
by The Guess Who
written by Burton Cummings
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have you been around?
Have you done your share a-coming down
Of different things that people do
Have you been aware?
You got brothers and sisters who care
About what's gonna happen to you
In a year from now
Maybe I'll be there to shake your hand
(Shake your hand)
Baby, I'll be there to share the land
(Share the land)
That they'll be givin' away
When we oughta live together
I'm talkin' bout together, now
Maybe I'll be there to shake your hand
(Shake your hand)
Baby, I'll be there to share the land
(Share the land)
That they'll be givin' away
When we oughta live together
We're talkin' bout together, now
(Guitars)
Did you pay your dues?
Did you read the news
This morning when the paper landed in your yard?
Do you know their names?
Can you play their games
Without losin' track, and comin' down a bit too, hard?
Oh, maybe I'll be there to shake your hand
(Shake your hand)
Baby, I'll be there to share the land
(Share the land)
That they'll be givin' away
When we oughta live together
We're, talkin' bout together, now
Maybe I'll be there to shake your hand
(Shake your hand)
Baby, I'll be there to share the land
That they'd be givin' away
When we oughta live together
We're talkin' bout together, now
(Guitars)
Mmm, maybe I'll be there to shake your hand
(Shake you hand)
Baby, I'll be there to share the land
(Share the land)
That they'll be givin' away
When we oughta live together
We're talkin' bout together, now
Maybe I'll be there to shake your hand
(Shake your hand)
Maybe I'll be there to share the land
(Share the land)
That they'll be givin' away
When we oughta live together
Together, together
(Shake your hand)
You know I'll be standin' by
(Share the land)
To hold you if you worry
(Shake your hand)
No more sadness, no more sorrow
(Share the land)
And no more bad times
(Shake your hand)
Everyday comin' sunshine
(Share the land)
Everyday, everybody laughin'
(Shake your hand)
Walkin' together by the river
(Share the land)
Walkin' together and laughin'
(Shake your hand)
Everybody singin' together
(Share the land)
Everybody singin' and laughin'
(Shake your hand)
Good times, good times
(Share the land)
Everybody, walkin' by the river, now
(Shake your hand)
Walkin', singin', talkin'
(Share the land)
Smilin', laughin', diggin' each other
(Shake your hand)
Everybody happy, together
(Share the land)
I'll be there to worry if you need-a me
(Shake your hand)
Call on me, call on me
(Share the land)
Call my name, I'll be runnin' to help you
FADES-
(Shake your hand)
Everybody, walkin' by the river, now
(Share the land)
Every night, everybody laughin'
(Shake your hand)
Everybody singin' n' talkin'
(Share the land)
Smilin', laughin', diggin' each other
(Share).
by The Guess Who
written by Burton Cummings
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have you been around?
Have you done your share a-coming down
Of different things that people do
Have you been aware?
You got brothers and sisters who care
About what's gonna happen to you
In a year from now
Maybe I'll be there to shake your hand
(Shake your hand)
Baby, I'll be there to share the land
(Share the land)
That they'll be givin' away
When we oughta live together
I'm talkin' bout together, now
Maybe I'll be there to shake your hand
(Shake your hand)
Baby, I'll be there to share the land
(Share the land)
That they'll be givin' away
When we oughta live together
We're talkin' bout together, now
(Guitars)
Did you pay your dues?
Did you read the news
This morning when the paper landed in your yard?
Do you know their names?
Can you play their games
Without losin' track, and comin' down a bit too, hard?
Oh, maybe I'll be there to shake your hand
(Shake your hand)
Baby, I'll be there to share the land
(Share the land)
That they'll be givin' away
When we oughta live together
We're, talkin' bout together, now
Maybe I'll be there to shake your hand
(Shake your hand)
Baby, I'll be there to share the land
That they'd be givin' away
When we oughta live together
We're talkin' bout together, now
(Guitars)
Mmm, maybe I'll be there to shake your hand
(Shake you hand)
Baby, I'll be there to share the land
(Share the land)
That they'll be givin' away
When we oughta live together
We're talkin' bout together, now
Maybe I'll be there to shake your hand
(Shake your hand)
Maybe I'll be there to share the land
(Share the land)
That they'll be givin' away
When we oughta live together
Together, together
(Shake your hand)
You know I'll be standin' by
(Share the land)
To hold you if you worry
(Shake your hand)
No more sadness, no more sorrow
(Share the land)
And no more bad times
(Shake your hand)
Everyday comin' sunshine
(Share the land)
Everyday, everybody laughin'
(Shake your hand)
Walkin' together by the river
(Share the land)
Walkin' together and laughin'
(Shake your hand)
Everybody singin' together
(Share the land)
Everybody singin' and laughin'
(Shake your hand)
Good times, good times
(Share the land)
Everybody, walkin' by the river, now
(Shake your hand)
Walkin', singin', talkin'
(Share the land)
Smilin', laughin', diggin' each other
(Shake your hand)
Everybody happy, together
(Share the land)
I'll be there to worry if you need-a me
(Shake your hand)
Call on me, call on me
(Share the land)
Call my name, I'll be runnin' to help you
FADES-
(Shake your hand)
Everybody, walkin' by the river, now
(Share the land)
Every night, everybody laughin'
(Shake your hand)
Everybody singin' n' talkin'
(Share the land)
Smilin', laughin', diggin' each other
(Share).
I love this poem!
AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS
by Portia Nelson
I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.
II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V
I walk down another street.
by Portia Nelson
I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.
II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V
I walk down another street.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Giving it away
Strange concept, isn’t it? That we have to give something away to keep it?
I know for many many years, I was a user and a taker and I never gave anyone much of anything except misery, heartache, worry and pain. I thought my real problem was that I was a “needy” person, cuz see that put the onus on you to fill my needs and when you didn’t it fueled my reasons for drinking and using. What I really was, was an emotional vacume and I would suck the life right out of you and then move on to the next person who I thought could fill my needs. See, my real problem is that Im a selfish and self-centered human being that saw alcohol as a solution for my living problem.
When I first walked into the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, I tried to do what I had always done. I tried to latch on to anyone who could fill that need, that big gaping hole inside my soul. I tried to find the “perfect” sponsor who could be responsible for getting me sober, keeping me sober and in the process would make me feel better. Im more grateful today than I ever have been that God has a plan for me and if I get out of His way and allow Him to work in my life, then that internal void doesn’t need to be filled with humans who I expect perfection from. The sponsor I have has been God directed, I wholeheartedly believe that. The process in which I got to her was God directed, and she will tell you that all she did for me was share her experience, strength and hope through the 12 steps and that it was God directed. She worked the steps with me and then told me to go out and do the same with some other suffering alcoholic who wanted it. Not someone who needed it (God knows there are plenty of those) but someone who wanted it.
Today I understand the concept of giving it away to keep it. When I work with another alcoholic, even though its uncomfortable, even though Im afraid Im going to screw up (or worse yet, screw them up) then I understand and get to experience the promises in my life.
Remember the ripple effect that was caused by our drinking and using? I drink……kids suffer, parents suffer, hubby suffers, employer suffers, creditors suffer, friends suffer and the list goes on.
Now, I help another alcoholic and I win, kids wins, parents win, hubby wins, employer wins, creditors win and friends win. And while its pretty cool that I win as a result, the best feeling ever is giving something away and watching another person benefit from that. Today I am so thankful to be useful instead of useless.
I know for many many years, I was a user and a taker and I never gave anyone much of anything except misery, heartache, worry and pain. I thought my real problem was that I was a “needy” person, cuz see that put the onus on you to fill my needs and when you didn’t it fueled my reasons for drinking and using. What I really was, was an emotional vacume and I would suck the life right out of you and then move on to the next person who I thought could fill my needs. See, my real problem is that Im a selfish and self-centered human being that saw alcohol as a solution for my living problem.
When I first walked into the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, I tried to do what I had always done. I tried to latch on to anyone who could fill that need, that big gaping hole inside my soul. I tried to find the “perfect” sponsor who could be responsible for getting me sober, keeping me sober and in the process would make me feel better. Im more grateful today than I ever have been that God has a plan for me and if I get out of His way and allow Him to work in my life, then that internal void doesn’t need to be filled with humans who I expect perfection from. The sponsor I have has been God directed, I wholeheartedly believe that. The process in which I got to her was God directed, and she will tell you that all she did for me was share her experience, strength and hope through the 12 steps and that it was God directed. She worked the steps with me and then told me to go out and do the same with some other suffering alcoholic who wanted it. Not someone who needed it (God knows there are plenty of those) but someone who wanted it.
Today I understand the concept of giving it away to keep it. When I work with another alcoholic, even though its uncomfortable, even though Im afraid Im going to screw up (or worse yet, screw them up) then I understand and get to experience the promises in my life.
Remember the ripple effect that was caused by our drinking and using? I drink……kids suffer, parents suffer, hubby suffers, employer suffers, creditors suffer, friends suffer and the list goes on.
Now, I help another alcoholic and I win, kids wins, parents win, hubby wins, employer wins, creditors win and friends win. And while its pretty cool that I win as a result, the best feeling ever is giving something away and watching another person benefit from that. Today I am so thankful to be useful instead of useless.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Keep Trudging
"...Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge 'the Road of Happy Destiny'. May God bless you and keep you—until then."
— From the A.A. Big Book
— From the A.A. Big Book
Recovered From......?
I was given the gift of a sponsee. In working with her, I finally understand what my own sponsor said about how she gets so much out of working with me. I seriously figured that was a little white lie, designed to get me to continually spill my guts.
While doing our step work tonight, I felt as if I had recovered. Not from alcoholism, but from the hopeless state of mind and body. Im going to choose to accept this for what it is......God's Grace in my life today. Tomorrow I may feel broken again, inadequate and unsure of myself. But today I felt serenity.
While doing our step work tonight, I felt as if I had recovered. Not from alcoholism, but from the hopeless state of mind and body. Im going to choose to accept this for what it is......God's Grace in my life today. Tomorrow I may feel broken again, inadequate and unsure of myself. But today I felt serenity.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Remember When
I used to hate that slogan……”Remember When”. That was the last thing I wanted to do when I first came in. I would have preferred a slogan like “Forget All About”. In fact, for a long time I used “Just For Today” as a way to “Forget All About”. If I was going to be required to live in a simple 24 hour period then there would never be a need to look at the things I did while drinking and using that caused me so much shame and humiliation and caused my family and friends so much pain and disappointment.
It’s funny how recovery has slowly changed my way of thinking. I get “Remember When’s” all the time now, and most of them seem like a gift. I received such a gift last night.
I was asked to speak at a treatment center (which is a gift in itself) and I have been taught that it’s a good thing to stand at the door and shake hands and welcome people as they come in. And then, there she is. My gift. My Remember When. We all know her, or at least we’ve seen her. She is you….she is me…..at our very first meeting. What struck me first was the look on her face when I stuck my hand out to welcome her. She looked like a deer-in-the-headlights. Then when she took my hand, I felt the tremble. I noticed that she couldn’t meet my eyes when she mumbled a hello. I watched her go and find a seat and I said my prayer as the meeting began. Anytime I speak I say a mixed up version of the 3rd step prayer to myself during the moment of silence. “Ok God, do with me as you will. I hope you make me useful here, cuz this would be a great place to be useful. Relieve me of the bondage of self and allow me to sound like something other than a babbling idiot. Thanks my friend”
When the meeting was over, she came back to see me. In such a quiet little voice she said, “That is me. The stuff you talked about, your kids, losing jobs, that is me.” She had big fat tears sitting on the brim of her bottom lashes.
There was a time when I would have felt sorry for her. My heart would have hurt because I hate to see others in pain. Today, I feel excited for her. To be beaten down by this horrible disease, that is the best starting point in the world. To walk into the first AA meeting, a broken mess……well, that was what made me willing to go to any length. I “Remember When” I was her. What a wonderful gift, to have met her and touched her in some way. What a gift.
It’s funny how recovery has slowly changed my way of thinking. I get “Remember When’s” all the time now, and most of them seem like a gift. I received such a gift last night.
I was asked to speak at a treatment center (which is a gift in itself) and I have been taught that it’s a good thing to stand at the door and shake hands and welcome people as they come in. And then, there she is. My gift. My Remember When. We all know her, or at least we’ve seen her. She is you….she is me…..at our very first meeting. What struck me first was the look on her face when I stuck my hand out to welcome her. She looked like a deer-in-the-headlights. Then when she took my hand, I felt the tremble. I noticed that she couldn’t meet my eyes when she mumbled a hello. I watched her go and find a seat and I said my prayer as the meeting began. Anytime I speak I say a mixed up version of the 3rd step prayer to myself during the moment of silence. “Ok God, do with me as you will. I hope you make me useful here, cuz this would be a great place to be useful. Relieve me of the bondage of self and allow me to sound like something other than a babbling idiot. Thanks my friend”
When the meeting was over, she came back to see me. In such a quiet little voice she said, “That is me. The stuff you talked about, your kids, losing jobs, that is me.” She had big fat tears sitting on the brim of her bottom lashes.
There was a time when I would have felt sorry for her. My heart would have hurt because I hate to see others in pain. Today, I feel excited for her. To be beaten down by this horrible disease, that is the best starting point in the world. To walk into the first AA meeting, a broken mess……well, that was what made me willing to go to any length. I “Remember When” I was her. What a wonderful gift, to have met her and touched her in some way. What a gift.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Perfectionism revisited
It became clear, when I did my 4th step, that a huge, glaring defect of character of mine is perfectionism. I mean, it wasn’t clear to me but my sponsor pointed out that my inventory need not be perfectly typed, spell checked, categorized and color coded.
In the same way I struggled with alcoholism as a disease rather than a moral defect, I struggled with perfectionism being a liability rather than an asset. I mean, wasn’t perfection the thing that gave me drive and ambition to do the best job I could? Wasn’t it the very thing that kept me reaching to always require more of myself? How could that be a bad thing? “Progress, not perfection” is just a suggestion, right?
After twenty years of procrastinating, I am now a bonafied college girl. For someone who quit school at 16 and never applied myself when I was there, this is no small thing. I set about to make the most of my college experience and set a goal to not just graduate with honors, but to graduate with honors with distinction. It has such a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? Honors with distinction.
Living life on life’s terms kicked me in the shin this week. Actually, the first kick came when we were assigned a group project. Group projects make it impossible to control every aspect of the outcome. God was knocking on my door and letting me know He was going to provide the opportunity to work on this particular defect of character.
My sponsor tells me that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Apparently, I chose the option of suffering through this learning opportunity. I have allowed myself to be driven crazy with other peoples work habits and their level of commitment. WHO is okay with simply getting a passing mark rather than something in the high 90’s? My group members, that’s who!
We got our project back this week. My group members were ecstatic with the 87% we received. I was disappointed but grateful it wasn’t worse. The committee of idiots that lives in my head was working overtime judging my group members and my ego was out of control, telling myself that “I” am capable of so much better. Then I spent a decent amount of time kicking myself for thinking this way. Hadn’t I learned anything about practicing the principles of the program in all my affairs? Was I still just the broken girl that appeared at AA’s doors almost 2 years ago?
Then I got it. A lesson so simple and so sweet and so necessary. It had nothing to do with the group project or college or the committee of idiots that lives in my head.
“Progress not perfection” is not just a suggestion. It needs to become a way of life.
In the same way I struggled with alcoholism as a disease rather than a moral defect, I struggled with perfectionism being a liability rather than an asset. I mean, wasn’t perfection the thing that gave me drive and ambition to do the best job I could? Wasn’t it the very thing that kept me reaching to always require more of myself? How could that be a bad thing? “Progress, not perfection” is just a suggestion, right?
After twenty years of procrastinating, I am now a bonafied college girl. For someone who quit school at 16 and never applied myself when I was there, this is no small thing. I set about to make the most of my college experience and set a goal to not just graduate with honors, but to graduate with honors with distinction. It has such a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? Honors with distinction.
Living life on life’s terms kicked me in the shin this week. Actually, the first kick came when we were assigned a group project. Group projects make it impossible to control every aspect of the outcome. God was knocking on my door and letting me know He was going to provide the opportunity to work on this particular defect of character.
My sponsor tells me that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Apparently, I chose the option of suffering through this learning opportunity. I have allowed myself to be driven crazy with other peoples work habits and their level of commitment. WHO is okay with simply getting a passing mark rather than something in the high 90’s? My group members, that’s who!
We got our project back this week. My group members were ecstatic with the 87% we received. I was disappointed but grateful it wasn’t worse. The committee of idiots that lives in my head was working overtime judging my group members and my ego was out of control, telling myself that “I” am capable of so much better. Then I spent a decent amount of time kicking myself for thinking this way. Hadn’t I learned anything about practicing the principles of the program in all my affairs? Was I still just the broken girl that appeared at AA’s doors almost 2 years ago?
Then I got it. A lesson so simple and so sweet and so necessary. It had nothing to do with the group project or college or the committee of idiots that lives in my head.
“Progress not perfection” is not just a suggestion. It needs to become a way of life.
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