Perfectionism revisited

It became clear, when I did my 4th step, that a huge, glaring defect of character of mine is perfectionism. I mean, it wasn’t clear to me but my sponsor pointed out that my inventory need not be perfectly typed, spell checked, categorized and color coded.
In the same way I struggled with alcoholism as a disease rather than a moral defect, I struggled with perfectionism being a liability rather than an asset. I mean, wasn’t perfection the thing that gave me drive and ambition to do the best job I could? Wasn’t it the very thing that kept me reaching to always require more of myself? How could that be a bad thing? “Progress, not perfection” is just a suggestion, right?
After twenty years of procrastinating, I am now a bonafied college girl. For someone who quit school at 16 and never applied myself when I was there, this is no small thing. I set about to make the most of my college experience and set a goal to not just graduate with honors, but to graduate with honors with distinction. It has such a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? Honors with distinction.
Living life on life’s terms kicked me in the shin this week. Actually, the first kick came when we were assigned a group project. Group projects make it impossible to control every aspect of the outcome. God was knocking on my door and letting me know He was going to provide the opportunity to work on this particular defect of character.
My sponsor tells me that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Apparently, I chose the option of suffering through this learning opportunity. I have allowed myself to be driven crazy with other peoples work habits and their level of commitment. WHO is okay with simply getting a passing mark rather than something in the high 90’s? My group members, that’s who!
We got our project back this week. My group members were ecstatic with the 87% we received. I was disappointed but grateful it wasn’t worse. The committee of idiots that lives in my head was working overtime judging my group members and my ego was out of control, telling myself that “I” am capable of so much better. Then I spent a decent amount of time kicking myself for thinking this way. Hadn’t I learned anything about practicing the principles of the program in all my affairs? Was I still just the broken girl that appeared at AA’s doors almost 2 years ago?
Then I got it. A lesson so simple and so sweet and so necessary. It had nothing to do with the group project or college or the committee of idiots that lives in my head.
“Progress not perfection” is not just a suggestion. It needs to become a way of life.