Catching the junkie mid-thought

Posted 06 February 2014 - 02:14 PM Day 13 Guess what? I don't smoke. Addiction will remember the things I should forget, and forget the things I should remember. I realized yesterday, that it's not the smoking I miss.....it's the social aspect of it. And then (cue the noise of brakes on pavement, slamming hard) What??? Social aspect?? Seriously, when? How often?? When I honestly evaluated, probably only 5-10% of my smoking time was with other people/other smokers. The rest of the time, I was alone in my car, alone on my back deck, alone in a corner somewhere, on the street somewhere. Smoking alone. By myself. NOT social. It's funny (and sneaky!) what addiction does if I'm not on guard. Addiction will have me remember that 5-10% of time where I was smoking with somebody. It will call it 'social' and try to blot out the fact that I can do that without a cigarette. Addiction will downplay the 90-95% of the time I spent alone smoking. Stinking. Hiding. Panicking if I thought I'd run out before days end. The shame and the ignorance....oh the ignorance!! I had NO IDEA I smelled that bad after coming in from a smoke. It's wretched. I smell it now. Gag worthy. Addiction is a subtle foe. I must be on guard against it's destructive force. Destructive isn't even a strong enough word. Addiction wants to kill me. I won't let it.

Suicide on the installment plan

Hell week and heck week....over :) Im a non-smoker. That smells of sweet-pea lotion with undertones of the spaghetti I ate for breakfast :) I read an interesting article ( www.thebeggarsbakery.net ) called Skewer the Stigma: In the wake of losing a star (Phillip Hoffman) It was a good read, and while it doesn't deal with nicotine specifically, I wondered how different it really is?? I would be willing to bet that the average smoker (or even the average person who has quit) would bristle at being compared to a heroin addict. On the surface, they do look very different: At the height of my addiction to alcohol and cocaine, death appeared imminent. It was impossible to hide my addiction....whereas I could easily be a closet smoker if I had wanted to and the majority of the damage I would cause would be to myself. Not so with other addictions. They will take the family and friends who love you, and bring them to their knees, empty their bank accounts and steal a normal life from them. Nicotine is no less damaging. Its just hidden better than the ravages of heroin or oxycontin. At first. ALL of it is suicide on the installment plan.......some plans just have a shorter installment plan than others. Smoking is suicide on an installment plan. And its an ugly death that ravages peoples bodies. I know....Ive seen it first hand. More than once. Im happy to be smoke free today. 2 weeks in. My mindset has changed. One cannot undo awareness.....I cannot go backwards. I cant unlearn the things Ive learned. I cannot convert the truths back into a lie and believe them. Im thankful for that.

Sing It With Me

Posted 13 February 2014 - 03:20 PM 20 days of freedom. "You don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't spit into the wind, you don't pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger and you don't mess around with Jim" ~Jim Croce~ I think it was 1984 when I began smoking. And I was as serious about it as a budding star studying their part for their debut on broadway. In order to fit, to be cool...I knew I had to get it right. I had to smoke the right kind (there were Players or DuMaurier, those were the cool kinds. Smoke something else and people assumed you stole them from your grandmother) I chose Dumaurier. The pack was red and I liked red. Back then it cost me $3.10. Easy to buy, I just used my lunch money. I spent my free time, the time I could escape from my parents watchful eye, in the park.....practicing. Practicing inhaling. Practicing making smoke trail up my nose. I practiced until the sick feeling passed, until my skin didn't feel/look green anymore. I practiced until I had it down....I looked like a smoker. How sad, I look back at that girl and shake my head at the willingness to push through the most awful, disgusting, sick feeling......in order to fit in. How very sad. I was the girl who spit into the wind. Regularly. Did I know back then? How addictive and harmful cigarettes were? Was the information there and I ignored it as a reckless teen would? Did I know that someday, I would struggle to rid myself of the addiction? That I would no longer see it as cool, but as shameful and weak? Would I have cared back then? Would my 14yr old self cared one little bit? Maya Angelou said "When you know better, you do better" I know better now. I am not that 14 year old girl. Im not that 25yr old, or even that 40 year old. I am not willing to go through another quit. THIS is my quit. THIS is the quit that matters. There are no future quits....that is not an option. Smoking is not an option. I know better now. So I will do better. I will not tug on Superman's cape anymore.

I Plan......The Universe Laughs

Posted 16 February 2014 - 12:14 PM “I used to think if you fell from grace it was more likely than not the result of one stupendous error, or else an unfortunate accident. I hadn't learned that it can happen so gradually you don't lose your stomach or hurt yourself in the landing. You don't necessarily sense the motion. I've found it takes at least two and generally three things to alter the course of a life: You slip around the truth once, and then again, and one more time, and there you are, feeling, for a moment, that it was sudden, your arrival at the bottom of the heap.” ~Jane Hamilton, A Map of the World~ I'm feeling strong, assured in my quit. I think its been 23 days. I've had a rough couple of days and it just never occurred to me that picking up a cigarette (an anything.....a drink, a pill, an 8-ball.....) was the answer. Emotional stuff, life doing what it does and throwing some curve balls. I suppose this strong assured feeling has come from knowing that if I can make it through last week without smoking, then I can make it through anything without smoking. And then..... Because I have knowledge about addiction (different than wisdom by the way. I would hardly call myself wise when it comes to my own addictions) I am aware of things like complacency, ego, cockiness. I know that those things can and will contribute to my 'fall from grace'. So how do I prevent that? How do I prevent myself from slipping around the truth? I believe it is dangerous territory for me to say "I've got this" and then attempt to carry on as if I never was addicted, be it to nicotine, alcohol or any other substance. I guess that's why some of the Old Pharts (I think that name is so stupid by the way) encourage members to stick to the board for at least a year. Ive made that commitment. (Now, because I think its an [beeeep]-ish thing to do.....to talk about 'life throwing me curve balls and not elaborate, I will do that for anyone who may be reading. I hate when I read the words of others, be it a blog, an article, a facebook status.....and they are vague! Damnit, if you are going to allude to it...then out with it! Gimmee the goods!)) My daughter, the one who has just had a baby (yup, the baby I quit smoking for) is coming home. With baby in tow. Life as we know it is about to change. Seriously change. Of 4 kids, we just had the youngest left at home. And she's 16....well on her way to independence. Over the last year we did a major house renovation. We gutted the main floor of our home and made it the house of our dreams. We didn't choose fits and finishes with children in mind......we chose what we liked. And now, sooner than we expected, we are going to have to begin phase two.....the lower level. We are going to need to accommodate daughter and baby. Short term, its ok.....we give up the bedroom that was an office and give it to them. Thank goodness she is coming home. We've been hoping for this since she met the 'baby-daddy' 4 years ago. To say that he has issues would be the understatement of the century. But he finally 'fell from grace' and she was willing to see it with the whole truth this time. He isn't interested in changing. Thank goodness we are in a position to be able to offer her and the baby a safe, nurturing home. Thank goodness she doesn't have to be one more girl in social housing, trying desperately to somehow get out of the system. Not one bit of this is ideal. This was not our plan. We have to give up plans we had in order to accommodate this 'curve ball'. Building our new garage has to wait. Our boat will continue to stay in off-site storage for another year or two. My beautifully designed living room is going to fill up with baby stuff. Tiny people come with a lot of gear! I don't want it to appear I am full of complaints. I know I am blessed. I truly am. But life as I know it is about to change.

Cool J calms the Grandma

osted 03 March 2014 - 02:20 PM "When adversity strikes, that's when you have to be the most calm. Take a step back, stay strong, stay grounded and press on." ~LL Cool J~ Hahaha...I don't even really know who LL Cool J is, a rapper? An actor? An artist of some kind that has obviously changed his name. And Im old enough to think his name change was dumb. But I like the quote. I honestly don't know how long Ive been smoke free. 6 weeks maybe? Im just not counting, it somehow doesn't seem very important anymore. I just think of myself as a non-smoker. Its a nice corner to turn in my mind.....because along with not thinking about smoking, Im not very often thinking about not smoking. (Did that make sense??) I may even have had whole entire days where smoking/not smoking doesn't even enter my thoughts! I keep forgetting to take my champix though......I needed to set a reminder alarm on my phone. I would just throw the damn things out and be done with them, except I made a commitment to my Dr that I would follow through and stay on them for 12 weeks as long as I didn't experience any troublesome side effects. My house and home is upside down. Not physically (except for the baby gear that has taken over my once posh looking adult living room).....no no, its more of an emotional thing. For anyone who has followed, my daughter and baby came to live with us a couple of weeks ago. Since then, many things have happened, some good, some frustrating, and some that make me contemplate the merits of a hit-man. (For the record, this is nothing more than idle fantasy). The appropriate professionals have become involved and this is good. Hubby and I are simply not capable of undoing all of the damage that the baby-daddy has done. Posted Image It breaks my heart to have discovered all that has transpired in the last 4 years she has spent with him, and how very little she thought of herself to allow it to continue. Posted Image It is my greatest hope that she is not one of the large percentage of women who go back to their abusers. That is a very real possibility. Ive seen the statistics. Posted Image In the meantime, its day by day. One task at a time. One focus at a time. I had to have a mini-breakdown before I recalled how very important it is to take care of myself. If I don't, Im of no use to others. Ive upped my intake of 12 step meetings, upped my communication with my healthy go-to people, and scheduled down time for myself. Without hesitation I can say, my smoking career is over. This current drama that weaves itself in and out of my home is the most stressful thing I have ever been through. It has robbed me of sleep, I have lost 6 pounds (Ha!! Who says you gain weight when you quit smoking?!) yet.....I know smoking is not an answer. It would not relieve the stress. It would not help in any way, shape or form. And I have kept my commitment....to myself and my baby grandson. I will NOT be the stinky grandma.

The irrational fear

Posted 10 March 2014 - 01:57 PM One of my most uncomfortable moments when I began this journey was 'giving up' my socializing time with my friends before and after my 12 step meeting. I became convinced that ALL alcoholics are smokers, they would all be puffing away before the meeting and I'd miss all the good conversation, and they would all be puffing away after the meeting and I'd have to rush through the cloud of smoke, holding my breath, hop in my car and drive home, lonely and miserable. So, its been 6 weeks. Last night, I attended my 'home group'.......and after the meeting I stood with the smokers, chatting. Not once did it cross my mind that I would like to smoke with them. In fact, it looked stupid......these people putting these rolled up pieces of paper/tobacco/chemicals into their mouths and inhaling it into their lungs. I didn't feel jealous, anxious, judgemental, I just felt.....apathetic. I felt nothing. Weird. That my biggest fear was that I'd never be able to stand with my friends again, and there I was.....chatting and being a non-smoker. I don't smoke. Posted Image And the before the meeting time....? It turns out that ALL alcoholics don't smoke. There are plenty of people sitting inside, waiting for the meeting to begin, having perfectly good conversations without a cigarette dangling from their lips. Go figure.

I am a non-smoker, with cheerleaders!

Posted 12 March 2014 - 10:51 PM So......I have a quit smoking cheerleader in my corner.......my ex-husband's new wife Posted Image Is that weird? I don't think its weird, but when I mentioned to a couple of friends that she messages me or calls me to see how the quit is going, they were shocked. Posted Image I figure she probably wants her hubby, my ex, to quit too....and maybe this would give him incentive. Or drive him crazy. Plus, she likes me. And I like her.......she's a pretty awesome lady. Posted Image In the middle of the snowstorm today, I said eff-it and got in my car and drove to a trendy new coffee shop downtown and met a friend for fancy salted caramel latté. T'was delicious plus I got to have inappropriate, immature girly conversation.....something I really don't do often enough. I gossiped, I made fun of my in-laws, I moaned about my kids and my once mature home renovation now looking like a daycare center. At one point, I looked out the window and there was a pretty 20-something girl, huddled in the snowstorm, smoking. ~sigh~ "That's sad" I said to my friend (who was never a smoker, but does belong to my 12 step world so understands addiction perfectly well. "Ya well.....that was you 7 weeks ago missy" she replied. And it was. A little bit of snow and 80km hr winds wouldn't keep me from my smoke. And now........ A devious daughters ex-boyfriend, a baby in my newly renovated house, restraining orders and visits to police stations........none of this can make me smoke. Posted Image I am a non-smoker.

7 weeks. Thats it?!

Posted 14 March 2014 - 01:24 PM ~Just because the monkey is off my back, doesn't mean the circus has left town~ (unknown) Has it really (only) been 7 weeks? I really think Im better off not counting my time......or even knowing how long its been since I last inhaled a lung full of chemicals mixed with tobacco. Yesterday, hubby and I were trying to plan a schedule for when the grandbaby's dad shows up to visit. (He has to be supervised until a professional service can be put into place). Bless hubby's heart, he was taking all of the supervision times.......... Posted Image But then I felt kinda selfish, so I said "No no...that's not fair, he comes (or is supposed to come) three times a week. I should take at least one of the visits. "Oh its ok.....you just quit smoking" he replied. Posted Image I know he was trying to be helpful......this grandbaby daddy stuff is awful, its infected our house and not in a good way.......but 'you JUST quit smoking?????' I did NOT just quit damnit! Posted Image I had to count back to see how long it had been. 7 weeks. Huh. Well. I guess I kinda did just quit smoking. Has it really just been 7 weeks? I feel like it should be longer........not that 7 weeks is nothing. I don't mean to make it sound as if 7 weeks is nothing, that is somehow doesn't count for much..... I guess....like the quote above says, the circus has not left town. Im still prone to sensitive outbursts, still very likely to be grumpy and miserable and sulky. Its Friday......and Im taking my youngest to get her learners permit. To drive a car. Damn I feel old. Posted Image But Im an old-ish non-smoker.

2 months cigarette free and the girl sulks

If I'm not mistaken, its been 2 months smoke free. It feels like some of the newness has worn off......it feels like I can no longer use "quitting smoking" as a justification for a moment of foot-stomping-foul-mouthed meltdown. Being a non-smoker is not exciting anymore. It feels like nobody is congratulating me anymore, like nobody even notices....like its just a given, I am now a non-smoker, so get on with it. LOL, I remember hearing in a 12 step group that addicts are the only people on the earth that want a cake/party/parade for doing what non-addicts do every day without complaint. I find some truth in that.......sadly. Im going to have a pity party for a bit......well, until someone crashes it. And they always do. Thank God.

It Touches Every Area of Our Lives

Posted 27 March 2014 - 11:18 AM "Worry is the interest paid by those who borrow trouble" ~George Washington~ I would hazard a guess, dear Georgie, that worry isn't the only form of pay that will be exacted from those who borrow trouble. For a nicotine addict such as myself, borrowing trouble can spell disaster. My form of 'borrowing trouble. most often means picking up what doesn't belong to me. Noo.....I don't mean shoplifting, I mean trying to organize the affairs of others, most often, my children. Mom knows best, right?? In a meditation reading this morning, the author mentions that addiction affected every area of our lives, physical mental and spiritual. And I know that to be true. Its my truth anyhow. So in order to walk in a peaceful, contented state, I must now nurture and give care to every area of my life. Taking care of my physical self is easy: -Don't smoke -don't take drugs -don't drink alcohol -eat lots of colorful stuff that comes from the earth -drink lots of water -move my body in some form of exercise -get rest. Taking care of my mental self gets a little harder: -laugh. Everyday. Find things to laugh at. -Connect with those who love me. Have communication that is not surface talk. Everyday! -When Im bothered, discontent, restless, use the recovery tools I have, (Talk to program friends, meditate, write, yoga) -BE grateful. Not to be confused with feel grateful. In my world, gratitude is an action word. -Live in today. Live in the moment. -Recognize the true benefits and uses of The Serenity Prayer. Put the prayer into action. Taking care of myself spiritually: -Weekly yoga. -Daily meditation -Try to give more than I take -Treat the earth with the respect she deserves. -Daily recognition/acknowledgement that the universe is a marvelous, powerful, awe inspiring place. I am but a tiny tiny piece of that. Now.......if I just had the willingness to do that stuff, everyday...... Posted Image Progress, not perfection.

I smell authentic

Posted 28 March 2014 - 08:47 PM "Some change looks negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge." ~Eckhart Tolle~ I dont know if I buy into any of this new age-y wisdom...this Eckert Tolle and Oprah and whoever else serves up the armchair psychology du jour But....if I have a choice, and I always have a choice..... I can decide to lean into "I buy this. Kinda. Or at least I think I could buy into this" as opposed to leaning into "What a bunch of bullshit". And leaning into "I kinda sorta buy into this" totally changes my perspective. So I await. For something new to emerge. Out of the poopy diapers and baby vomit and restraining orders and counselors and lawyers and police officers. I await. Hands and heart open. But NEVER....never are my hands open for a cigarette. Or a martini. Or a rolled up bill. I am the smell good, behave well grandma. I smell of sweet pea lotion and cookies and tomato soup. I behave safe.....and authentic....and solid.

2 months 8 days. I need a break.

Posted 02 April 2014 - 01:18 PM "Around us, life bursts with miracles, a glass of water, a ray of sunshine, a leaf, a caterpillar, a flower, laughter, raindrops. If you live in awareness, it is easy to see miracles everywhere. Each human being is a multiplicity of miracles. Eyes that see thousands of colors, shapes, and forms; ears that hear a bee flying or a thunderclap; a brain that ponders a speck of dust as easily as the entire cosmos; a heart that beats in rhythm with the heartbeat of all beings. When we are tired and feel discouraged by life’s daily struggles, we may not notice these miracles, but they are always there." ~ Thích Nhat Hạnh~ It's been 2 months and 8 days since I last inhaled anything into my lungs. Im not normally a day counter.....I think it keeps my head in cigarettes, even if its just to pat myself on the back for how many days I haven't smoked any. I have nothing against folks who count their time.....quitting smoking is a damn big and amazing accomplishment! If one wants/needs to recognize their day count, kudos to them Posted Image I will celebrate your milestones with you. I looked up my time today using one of those on-line counters. Curiosity. 2 months and 8 days, huh? In some moments, it feels MUCH longer than that......in other moments it feels like I had a lighter in my hand just yesterday. I went through a yucky patch of bad skin, a funny stage of bad farts (funny for me, not so funny for family). I went through crying jags.....anger that made me want to hurt people, days that I didn't want to get out of bed. I was irrational at times. I filled my mouth with anything that wasn't moving, and then groaned about the weight gain that I was sure was just around the corner. (Funny....weight gain was the one secret reason I held on to as an open door for picking up smoking again. In my secret heart of hearts, I would say "If I put more than 20lbs on....then screw it, I'll just smoke. I cannot, WILL NOT deal with being overweight. Ya, I know....I probably have some real issues with body image and weight....but frankly, dealing with my boatload of addictions is enough for this lifetime thankyouverymuch. Ive been thin my entire life, and I have every intention of staying that way since I don't know how (nor have much interest in learning) to say no to cookies and potato chips. (And thank you oddly-funny life gods....but I havent gained a pound. Ive actually lost a couple . Go figure.) Say no to booze? Fine. Say no to pills? Okie dokie Say no to little piles of white powder? Sure Say no to inhaling anything? Alright, Im in. Say no to food stuffs? Screw off.....Ive drawn the line at substances that will actively kill me. If doritoes are going to passively kill me....so be it. Anyhow, I digress..... The fact that I am clean and sober of all substances today, that I am nicotine free, feels somewhat miraculous. Posted Image My first spring, as a non-smoker......and it actually feels like spring. I am not normally a 'commune with nature" kinda girl........but Im feeling a pull, to be outside. To be away from traffic and streetlights and the noise of tv's and news. I have the blessing of being able to do that...... Our cottage hasn't been officially 'opened' for the season, but I'm going to head up there today anyhow. Make a fire and spend the night. Listen to the birds instead of the radio. Watch the geese and deer instead of the city bus driving by. Feel the spring breeze on my face as I have coffee on my beloved dock. "When we are tired and feel discouraged by life's daily struggles, we may not notice these miracles but they are always there." Thanks Thich Nhat Hanh......for the reminder. I'm going to remove the noise so I can once again see them

I came across some photo's of my dear Christie......jeezus, I miss that woman. Its not everyday that friends come along that can peer right into your soul. Christie was one of those friends for me. *For those who haven't followed any of my previous posts, Christie was a lifelong friend. She passed away last year after battling cancer that was a direct result of her many years of smoking. Anyhow, these pictures were taken 5 months apart. She did have cancer in both pictures.....but oh the downhill slide happened so fast when it began. I look back to where I was then, in the protective cocoon of denial. I had no idea how bad it would get for her. No idea that that second picture of her would look heavenly compared to what came in the last couple of months. I had no idea that a human body could endure such an assault and carry on, day after day while her loved ones quietly begged for her to be released. These are the "remember when's" that will keep me from picking up that first cigarette. For all you gave me Christie, in life and in death......I thank you

The Home Depot Story

I had previously posted this story somewhere else, and someone asked me to repeat it.......so for the sake of poking fun at myself and exposing what very early withdrawal looked like for me.....I will once again share the Home Depot Story. I should also probably apologize (again) to my sweet hubby Jay. I don't know how he does it. :) The year was 2002 or 2003. Everybody, and I mean everybody had boarded the quit smoking train. My grandma had been the first to quit in the mid 90's and the rest of the family began following, one or two every year. At one time, we were ALL smokers except the children of course! They weren't purposeful smokers, they got their fix via second hand smoke. Anyhow, I suppose it may have been family pressure......I got really tired of listening to them fake-cough at me every time I lit up. I grew weary of the born-again-self-righteous reformed bunch who made it their mission to convert me. I was also somewhat lonely. I didnt have one smoking buddy left in my family. I reluctantly boarded the train. Choo-freaking-choo! I was angry, resentful and felt as if I had been backed into a corner and forced to quit smoking. I did it more to shut them up than anything else. I put no serious thought or planning into how I was going to manage it. I was prideful and stubborn, so there was NO way I was going to use the interventionists known as my family, as support. I don't really remember if it was day 2 or day 3 of no smoking, I just know that In was still in the throes of active withdrawal. I decided we needed new outdoor garbage cans, so I packed up my shopping mule (Jay) and off we went to Home Depot. I also seem to remember (or maybe thats just a way of justifying, in some small way, my abhorrent behavior) that it was a Saturday morning. A day where Home Depot should have been fully staffed. All checkouts should have been open, and all of the well-trained, incredibly helpful, orange apron clad staff should have been in every isle, waiting to help me with my every need. They were not. (Do you hear it......the tick of my inner bomb?) I make push and shove my way through the other shoppers, to find the garbage cans. I hastily decide on size, glance down at where the price should be displayed..........and........no price. NO PRICE!! (tick........tick........) Jay gently says "Who cares how much they are, we need them, right? Lets just grab two and get out of here." He is a wise man. I dont like Home Depot, and Im already getting anxious and itchy and.....and......and...... He grabs two cans and I attempt to grab two lids.....except there are no lids. What the hell?? Where are the lids?? I look up....wayyyyyyyy up.......and some idiot has put the lids on the top shelf. I am not 8ft 11". I cannot get my lids without help and a ladder. (tick....tick....tick......its getting louder. Do you hear it?) I have the beginning of a meltdown, right there in the garbage can isle. Jay, the smart man, the one who is NOT in reluctant nicotine withdrawal, gently says: "Oh hon....this is silly. Why dont we go home and I can pick up the garbage cans during the week when its not so busy?" I see right through him. And I am now in full-on 'this is an injustice!' mode. I will not be swayed! I march off in search of an orange apron clad employee. (TICK......TICK........TICK..........) Jay hides behind a pile of lumber. When I find the boy, it does not matter that he is probably only 16. It does not matter that this is probably his first job, that its not his department, that he looks happy and perky. I am about to ruin all of that. I let loose. (TICK......TICK......BOOM!) I go up one side of him and down the other. I gather up every poor customer service experience I have ever had, and I unload it on this boy. And I dont stop........until....... I happen to notice he has backed away a little bit and looks scared. Genuinely frightened. Of me. :blink: I am overcome with feelings of dread and shame and embarrassment. Oh my gosh......what have I done? I realize what is really going on. I have quit smoking and Im a miserable wench. I begin to apologize. Profusely. I babble something about quitting smoking......say Im sorry in every language I know...... (oh my gosh, he looks more scared now) I start to cry. I am so horrified. And its not a gentle cry. Oh no. Its the ugly cry. The cry that has snot running down your face. The manager comes to rescue his employee. And to firmly ask me to leave the store. Now. Jay comes out of hiding just in time to escort me out and save me from the humiliation of being escorted out by Home Depot security, if there is such a thing. Bless him, all he says as he marches me out is "I am never going to Home Depot with you again." "Good!" I say, as I wipe snot on my coat sleeve. "I hate Home Depot." There is no moral to this story. Other than....do NOT go to Home Depot on Day 2 or 3 of quitting smoking.

Wishful Thinking

I was thinking this morning "I wish I had kept a journal of some kind while I was in the beginning stages of quitting booze and drugs." I wonder what it would have looked like. I guarantee it would not have looked like this one. I wasn't disciplined enough to shower everyday.....I'm pretty sure I couldn't have sat down and wrote anything (with any amount of clarity). I'm also pretty sure that anything I would have wrote back then wouldn't have helped me much, let alone anyone else. In the very beginning....in my first few months, first year or so even, I was......uggggg......I was a victim. A victim of: circumstance/bad upbringing/poor self esteem/no role models/undiagnosed ADD or ADHD or OCD or other letters I self diagnosed/emotional abuse/society/Catholicism/helicopter parents/drug addicted first husband.....I could add to the list in a sickeningly destructive way. Until anyone around me would throw up their hands and say "Holy! You are right! You DO have a reason to self-destruct. Carry on" And then.....through coincidence or something divine, Lou crossed my path. And do you know what he said to me that made me want to follow him? "Julie, you have value and worth" That's it. That simple. The amazing thing, miraculous really...... Is that some tiny part of me believed him. Some tiny part of me believed this 6ft 10" tattooed, ex biker and felon. He wanted nothing from me....he just wanted to give away the freedom that someone else had given him. Not everyone can tell you exactly what hope sounds like. I can.

Begin Where You Are

In other words, begin where you are. But begin. Please stop waiting. Sometimes delay can have very serious consequences. As an addict I wanted the parade, the grand announcement, the regal launch, the ceremonial countdown, the press conference, the complete preparation with the guarantee of success before I thought I could start......before I could visualize what starting even looked like. Working through these things, waiting to make them happen, burns through precious time. And it is a trick.....a trick that addiction plays to keep us enslaved. Begin where you are, but begin. If all you can do is crawl, start crawling. One moment at a time, if you don't pick up that cigarette you'll be up and dancing eventually. (Though at first, most of us tend to complain about the music a bit till we find our own rhythm, but that's okay too. It's just a mask for our fear of being judged for how we dance. Stay on the dance floor and that will fall away.)

The Awakening

THE AWAKENING Author: Sonny Carrol A time comes in your life when you finally get it...when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out...ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening. You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon. You realize that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you... and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself... and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you - or didn't do for you - and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that everything isn't always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself... and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties... and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with. You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise. You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it's OK to risk asking for help. You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms. You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people... and you learn not to always take it personally. You learn that nobody's punishing you and everything isn't always somebody's fault. It's just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire. You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.

I had an entirely different post planned

I did, I had a witty, insightful post planned. Maybe something fun and light. I wanted to write about my new sense of smell. But........ I started typing....... and........well............... It felt a bit like that fairy tale with the princess who tries to sleep but there's a pea under the mattress. I'm having a rough day. **** that. I'm having a rough year. It began in January when we foresaw the adult child-momma moving home with baby.......and it's April now and it just keeps coming. Oldest child has written us all off.....ticked that we won't bail her out of credit card debt. 16yr old baby is just a self-centered brat since her sister moved home, presumably because she has to share her time space and attention. And I'm not a coddler. Never have been. Unfortunately knowing and enforcing ones boundaries means that people who desire to manipulate you, now call you a bitch. Sucks when it's your kids. My mom tells me "Your not even a broken in parent until your kids have hated you. Suck it up." My mom is not a coddler either. :) This is not manufactured quit-smoking drama. So, this is what life does, right? The latest in the string of 2014 deficiencies: My dad, the man who puts the sun in the sky for me every morning.....has some kind of health issue going on. I can't even utter the C word. But I'm scared. With good reason. He was diagnosed 20yrs ago with a rare disease, Wegeners Granulomatoses. His kidneys shut down, dialysis for 4yrs, daily meds that would fill your morning cereal bowl, all culminating in a transplant 16yrs ago. The kidney is old. The drugs he took, continues to take, come with a high risk for cancer. Plus he smoked. For years. He isn't himself. He's not well. His dr appointment is today at 4. I presume we will know nothing more, but more tests will be scheduled. I wanted an upbeat post. But I don't have it in me. Tomorrow is a new day.......maybe I will send myself to bed before supper so I can end this one.

The nose knows what the nose knows.....

I feel as if I have been granted a superpower. I knew my sense of smell would improve; I read about it, people told me about it........but this is almost beyond human. It borders on robotic. I thought maybe everyone had this strong sense of smell and I had just damaged mine with smoking and after less than 3 short months, the fragrance gods had rewarded me. This is not the case. I held a piece of white wonderbread up to my daughters face the other day exclaiming "Do you smell that?? It smells like chemicals!" After batting my arm away, she scowled at me and warned me not to buy "the bird seed bread" again. She wont eat it. She likes white bread and does not think it smells like bleach. (even though I asked her to recall how they made paste in kindergarten........same thing as white wonderbread. :wacko: ) In the beginning, I was enchanted with my new sense of smell. Oh....I still am....I really am. I'm not complaining........ I've just had to learn to tone down the quantity of things I hold up to my face. A month ago I could be found in grocery store isles, screwing the lids off shampoo, fabric softener, and dish washing detergent. I lifted any and all items in the bakery up to my face for a big whiff. I would audibly sigh when there was fresh cinnamon raisin bread to savor with my nose. I spent over an hour hanging out in a bath and body store at the mall. I have become a Scentsy junkie (little scented wax bars that you melt in a warmer to release their smell). All smells seemed new, a fresh and exciting! Like I was smelling things for the first time. The good smells far outnumbered the bad ones........... Lately, Ive noticed how many things smell like chemicals. :huh: I pulled out my favorite body butter the other day. Satsuma has been my favorite Bath and Body Works scent for years! I lathered it on my arms and then wrinkled my nose. Something was wrong. I smelled the familiar satsuma scent, but under that, a strong smell of chemicals. :unsure: I was so sad. I dont think Im ready to part with my favorite scent, but I cant wear something that smells like chemicals either. I moved on to my second favorite......sweetpea. The same. It smells like lovely sweetpea with a strong undertone of chemicals. :( Well, I suppose they would smell like chemicals. They ARE chemicals. (Im going to order some chemical free perfume online, with some of my saved cigarette money) I just wish the chemicals didnt bother my new super nose so much. Hershey's chocolate doesnt smell like chocolate to me. It smells like feet. :huh: I was relieved to find that good quality chocolate still smells delicious. :wub: My parents house smells even more like home. A blend of pinesol, moms cooking, the candy that always sits in the candy dish, and fresh laundry. This is good. My car smells disgusting, like an old dirty ashtray. This is not good. My spice cupboard smells amazing. I love opening that cupboard! This is good. My basement smells damp and creepy. This is not good. My freshly bathed grandson ......oh this is SO good. My grandson with a fully loaded diaper. This is not good. Smells have quickly been sorted into 'good and bad' and Im learning to take in the good (deeply breathe in that fresh cut grass) and avoid the bad (the compost bin) I am learning to show some restraint when lifting things to my face......Im not a fan of the chemical smell and then its ruined for me. I wont eat it or wear it or use it. When standing near a smoker, I am becoming adept at not twisting and contorting my face to send the message that I am either about to have a seizure or I think they smell worse than an outhouse. Its a big responsibility to be in charge of this super power.

She's baaaaaaaaaaaaack............

I haven't posted an entry in quite some time. How typical of me......I'm a great starter but a very, very poor finisher. No follow through. Anyhow, some of my next posts are going to be copied and pasted from another site that I joined in order to receive some quit smoking support. I wanted to have all the bits of me in one place instead of floating around in cyberspace all willy-nilly-like. Also very typical of me..... So none of the next number of entries are going to appear to have any kind of cohesive story line. They wont be stitched together neatly. I'll sort that out later. First things first.