Remember When

I used to hate that slogan……”Remember When”. That was the last thing I wanted to do when I first came in. I would have preferred a slogan like “Forget All About”. In fact, for a long time I used “Just For Today” as a way to “Forget All About”. If I was going to be required to live in a simple 24 hour period then there would never be a need to look at the things I did while drinking and using that caused me so much shame and humiliation and caused my family and friends so much pain and disappointment.
It’s funny how recovery has slowly changed my way of thinking. I get “Remember When’s” all the time now, and most of them seem like a gift. I received such a gift last night.
I was asked to speak at a treatment center (which is a gift in itself) and I have been taught that it’s a good thing to stand at the door and shake hands and welcome people as they come in. And then, there she is. My gift. My Remember When. We all know her, or at least we’ve seen her. She is you….she is me…..at our very first meeting. What struck me first was the look on her face when I stuck my hand out to welcome her. She looked like a deer-in-the-headlights. Then when she took my hand, I felt the tremble. I noticed that she couldn’t meet my eyes when she mumbled a hello. I watched her go and find a seat and I said my prayer as the meeting began. Anytime I speak I say a mixed up version of the 3rd step prayer to myself during the moment of silence. “Ok God, do with me as you will. I hope you make me useful here, cuz this would be a great place to be useful. Relieve me of the bondage of self and allow me to sound like something other than a babbling idiot. Thanks my friend”
When the meeting was over, she came back to see me. In such a quiet little voice she said, “That is me. The stuff you talked about, your kids, losing jobs, that is me.” She had big fat tears sitting on the brim of her bottom lashes.
There was a time when I would have felt sorry for her. My heart would have hurt because I hate to see others in pain. Today, I feel excited for her. To be beaten down by this horrible disease, that is the best starting point in the world. To walk into the first AA meeting, a broken mess……well, that was what made me willing to go to any length. I “Remember When” I was her. What a wonderful gift, to have met her and touched her in some way. What a gift.