Catching the junkie mid-thought

Posted 06 February 2014 - 02:14 PM Day 13 Guess what? I don't smoke. Addiction will remember the things I should forget, and forget the things I should remember. I realized yesterday, that it's not the smoking I miss.....it's the social aspect of it. And then (cue the noise of brakes on pavement, slamming hard) What??? Social aspect?? Seriously, when? How often?? When I honestly evaluated, probably only 5-10% of my smoking time was with other people/other smokers. The rest of the time, I was alone in my car, alone on my back deck, alone in a corner somewhere, on the street somewhere. Smoking alone. By myself. NOT social. It's funny (and sneaky!) what addiction does if I'm not on guard. Addiction will have me remember that 5-10% of time where I was smoking with somebody. It will call it 'social' and try to blot out the fact that I can do that without a cigarette. Addiction will downplay the 90-95% of the time I spent alone smoking. Stinking. Hiding. Panicking if I thought I'd run out before days end. The shame and the ignorance....oh the ignorance!! I had NO IDEA I smelled that bad after coming in from a smoke. It's wretched. I smell it now. Gag worthy. Addiction is a subtle foe. I must be on guard against it's destructive force. Destructive isn't even a strong enough word. Addiction wants to kill me. I won't let it.