The Home Depot Story

I had previously posted this story somewhere else, and someone asked me to repeat it.......so for the sake of poking fun at myself and exposing what very early withdrawal looked like for me.....I will once again share the Home Depot Story. I should also probably apologize (again) to my sweet hubby Jay. I don't know how he does it. :) The year was 2002 or 2003. Everybody, and I mean everybody had boarded the quit smoking train. My grandma had been the first to quit in the mid 90's and the rest of the family began following, one or two every year. At one time, we were ALL smokers except the children of course! They weren't purposeful smokers, they got their fix via second hand smoke. Anyhow, I suppose it may have been family pressure......I got really tired of listening to them fake-cough at me every time I lit up. I grew weary of the born-again-self-righteous reformed bunch who made it their mission to convert me. I was also somewhat lonely. I didnt have one smoking buddy left in my family. I reluctantly boarded the train. Choo-freaking-choo! I was angry, resentful and felt as if I had been backed into a corner and forced to quit smoking. I did it more to shut them up than anything else. I put no serious thought or planning into how I was going to manage it. I was prideful and stubborn, so there was NO way I was going to use the interventionists known as my family, as support. I don't really remember if it was day 2 or day 3 of no smoking, I just know that In was still in the throes of active withdrawal. I decided we needed new outdoor garbage cans, so I packed up my shopping mule (Jay) and off we went to Home Depot. I also seem to remember (or maybe thats just a way of justifying, in some small way, my abhorrent behavior) that it was a Saturday morning. A day where Home Depot should have been fully staffed. All checkouts should have been open, and all of the well-trained, incredibly helpful, orange apron clad staff should have been in every isle, waiting to help me with my every need. They were not. (Do you hear it......the tick of my inner bomb?) I make push and shove my way through the other shoppers, to find the garbage cans. I hastily decide on size, glance down at where the price should be displayed..........and........no price. NO PRICE!! (tick........tick........) Jay gently says "Who cares how much they are, we need them, right? Lets just grab two and get out of here." He is a wise man. I dont like Home Depot, and Im already getting anxious and itchy and.....and......and...... He grabs two cans and I attempt to grab two lids.....except there are no lids. What the hell?? Where are the lids?? I look up....wayyyyyyyy up.......and some idiot has put the lids on the top shelf. I am not 8ft 11". I cannot get my lids without help and a ladder. (tick....tick....tick......its getting louder. Do you hear it?) I have the beginning of a meltdown, right there in the garbage can isle. Jay, the smart man, the one who is NOT in reluctant nicotine withdrawal, gently says: "Oh hon....this is silly. Why dont we go home and I can pick up the garbage cans during the week when its not so busy?" I see right through him. And I am now in full-on 'this is an injustice!' mode. I will not be swayed! I march off in search of an orange apron clad employee. (TICK......TICK........TICK..........) Jay hides behind a pile of lumber. When I find the boy, it does not matter that he is probably only 16. It does not matter that this is probably his first job, that its not his department, that he looks happy and perky. I am about to ruin all of that. I let loose. (TICK......TICK......BOOM!) I go up one side of him and down the other. I gather up every poor customer service experience I have ever had, and I unload it on this boy. And I dont stop........until....... I happen to notice he has backed away a little bit and looks scared. Genuinely frightened. Of me. :blink: I am overcome with feelings of dread and shame and embarrassment. Oh my gosh......what have I done? I realize what is really going on. I have quit smoking and Im a miserable wench. I begin to apologize. Profusely. I babble something about quitting smoking......say Im sorry in every language I know...... (oh my gosh, he looks more scared now) I start to cry. I am so horrified. And its not a gentle cry. Oh no. Its the ugly cry. The cry that has snot running down your face. The manager comes to rescue his employee. And to firmly ask me to leave the store. Now. Jay comes out of hiding just in time to escort me out and save me from the humiliation of being escorted out by Home Depot security, if there is such a thing. Bless him, all he says as he marches me out is "I am never going to Home Depot with you again." "Good!" I say, as I wipe snot on my coat sleeve. "I hate Home Depot." There is no moral to this story. Other than....do NOT go to Home Depot on Day 2 or 3 of quitting smoking.

Wishful Thinking

I was thinking this morning "I wish I had kept a journal of some kind while I was in the beginning stages of quitting booze and drugs." I wonder what it would have looked like. I guarantee it would not have looked like this one. I wasn't disciplined enough to shower everyday.....I'm pretty sure I couldn't have sat down and wrote anything (with any amount of clarity). I'm also pretty sure that anything I would have wrote back then wouldn't have helped me much, let alone anyone else. In the very beginning....in my first few months, first year or so even, I was......uggggg......I was a victim. A victim of: circumstance/bad upbringing/poor self esteem/no role models/undiagnosed ADD or ADHD or OCD or other letters I self diagnosed/emotional abuse/society/Catholicism/helicopter parents/drug addicted first husband.....I could add to the list in a sickeningly destructive way. Until anyone around me would throw up their hands and say "Holy! You are right! You DO have a reason to self-destruct. Carry on" And then.....through coincidence or something divine, Lou crossed my path. And do you know what he said to me that made me want to follow him? "Julie, you have value and worth" That's it. That simple. The amazing thing, miraculous really...... Is that some tiny part of me believed him. Some tiny part of me believed this 6ft 10" tattooed, ex biker and felon. He wanted nothing from me....he just wanted to give away the freedom that someone else had given him. Not everyone can tell you exactly what hope sounds like. I can.

Begin Where You Are

In other words, begin where you are. But begin. Please stop waiting. Sometimes delay can have very serious consequences. As an addict I wanted the parade, the grand announcement, the regal launch, the ceremonial countdown, the press conference, the complete preparation with the guarantee of success before I thought I could start......before I could visualize what starting even looked like. Working through these things, waiting to make them happen, burns through precious time. And it is a trick.....a trick that addiction plays to keep us enslaved. Begin where you are, but begin. If all you can do is crawl, start crawling. One moment at a time, if you don't pick up that cigarette you'll be up and dancing eventually. (Though at first, most of us tend to complain about the music a bit till we find our own rhythm, but that's okay too. It's just a mask for our fear of being judged for how we dance. Stay on the dance floor and that will fall away.)

The Awakening

THE AWAKENING Author: Sonny Carrol A time comes in your life when you finally get it...when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out...ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening. You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon. You realize that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you... and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself... and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you - or didn't do for you - and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that everything isn't always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself... and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties... and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with. You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise. You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it's OK to risk asking for help. You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms. You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people... and you learn not to always take it personally. You learn that nobody's punishing you and everything isn't always somebody's fault. It's just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire. You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.

I had an entirely different post planned

I did, I had a witty, insightful post planned. Maybe something fun and light. I wanted to write about my new sense of smell. But........ I started typing....... and........well............... It felt a bit like that fairy tale with the princess who tries to sleep but there's a pea under the mattress. I'm having a rough day. **** that. I'm having a rough year. It began in January when we foresaw the adult child-momma moving home with baby.......and it's April now and it just keeps coming. Oldest child has written us all off.....ticked that we won't bail her out of credit card debt. 16yr old baby is just a self-centered brat since her sister moved home, presumably because she has to share her time space and attention. And I'm not a coddler. Never have been. Unfortunately knowing and enforcing ones boundaries means that people who desire to manipulate you, now call you a bitch. Sucks when it's your kids. My mom tells me "Your not even a broken in parent until your kids have hated you. Suck it up." My mom is not a coddler either. :) This is not manufactured quit-smoking drama. So, this is what life does, right? The latest in the string of 2014 deficiencies: My dad, the man who puts the sun in the sky for me every morning.....has some kind of health issue going on. I can't even utter the C word. But I'm scared. With good reason. He was diagnosed 20yrs ago with a rare disease, Wegeners Granulomatoses. His kidneys shut down, dialysis for 4yrs, daily meds that would fill your morning cereal bowl, all culminating in a transplant 16yrs ago. The kidney is old. The drugs he took, continues to take, come with a high risk for cancer. Plus he smoked. For years. He isn't himself. He's not well. His dr appointment is today at 4. I presume we will know nothing more, but more tests will be scheduled. I wanted an upbeat post. But I don't have it in me. Tomorrow is a new day.......maybe I will send myself to bed before supper so I can end this one.

The nose knows what the nose knows.....

I feel as if I have been granted a superpower. I knew my sense of smell would improve; I read about it, people told me about it........but this is almost beyond human. It borders on robotic. I thought maybe everyone had this strong sense of smell and I had just damaged mine with smoking and after less than 3 short months, the fragrance gods had rewarded me. This is not the case. I held a piece of white wonderbread up to my daughters face the other day exclaiming "Do you smell that?? It smells like chemicals!" After batting my arm away, she scowled at me and warned me not to buy "the bird seed bread" again. She wont eat it. She likes white bread and does not think it smells like bleach. (even though I asked her to recall how they made paste in kindergarten........same thing as white wonderbread. :wacko: ) In the beginning, I was enchanted with my new sense of smell. Oh....I still am....I really am. I'm not complaining........ I've just had to learn to tone down the quantity of things I hold up to my face. A month ago I could be found in grocery store isles, screwing the lids off shampoo, fabric softener, and dish washing detergent. I lifted any and all items in the bakery up to my face for a big whiff. I would audibly sigh when there was fresh cinnamon raisin bread to savor with my nose. I spent over an hour hanging out in a bath and body store at the mall. I have become a Scentsy junkie (little scented wax bars that you melt in a warmer to release their smell). All smells seemed new, a fresh and exciting! Like I was smelling things for the first time. The good smells far outnumbered the bad ones........... Lately, Ive noticed how many things smell like chemicals. :huh: I pulled out my favorite body butter the other day. Satsuma has been my favorite Bath and Body Works scent for years! I lathered it on my arms and then wrinkled my nose. Something was wrong. I smelled the familiar satsuma scent, but under that, a strong smell of chemicals. :unsure: I was so sad. I dont think Im ready to part with my favorite scent, but I cant wear something that smells like chemicals either. I moved on to my second favorite......sweetpea. The same. It smells like lovely sweetpea with a strong undertone of chemicals. :( Well, I suppose they would smell like chemicals. They ARE chemicals. (Im going to order some chemical free perfume online, with some of my saved cigarette money) I just wish the chemicals didnt bother my new super nose so much. Hershey's chocolate doesnt smell like chocolate to me. It smells like feet. :huh: I was relieved to find that good quality chocolate still smells delicious. :wub: My parents house smells even more like home. A blend of pinesol, moms cooking, the candy that always sits in the candy dish, and fresh laundry. This is good. My car smells disgusting, like an old dirty ashtray. This is not good. My spice cupboard smells amazing. I love opening that cupboard! This is good. My basement smells damp and creepy. This is not good. My freshly bathed grandson ......oh this is SO good. My grandson with a fully loaded diaper. This is not good. Smells have quickly been sorted into 'good and bad' and Im learning to take in the good (deeply breathe in that fresh cut grass) and avoid the bad (the compost bin) I am learning to show some restraint when lifting things to my face......Im not a fan of the chemical smell and then its ruined for me. I wont eat it or wear it or use it. When standing near a smoker, I am becoming adept at not twisting and contorting my face to send the message that I am either about to have a seizure or I think they smell worse than an outhouse. Its a big responsibility to be in charge of this super power.

She's baaaaaaaaaaaaack............

I haven't posted an entry in quite some time. How typical of me......I'm a great starter but a very, very poor finisher. No follow through. Anyhow, some of my next posts are going to be copied and pasted from another site that I joined in order to receive some quit smoking support. I wanted to have all the bits of me in one place instead of floating around in cyberspace all willy-nilly-like. Also very typical of me..... So none of the next number of entries are going to appear to have any kind of cohesive story line. They wont be stitched together neatly. I'll sort that out later. First things first.