In The Moment

Some days, I can see how far Ive come.
Ive come a long way from the girl who lived in yesterdays remorse and shame and avoided people because of tomorrows fear.
And some days are harder than others.
My sponsor has cancer.
Or rather, her cancer is back.
I was a newcomer to AA when she first shared in a meeting about her diagnoses and how AA and the fellowship was amazing in helping her to get through this patch in her life.
It would be another year before she became my sponsor, my friend, my trusted soul sister, my angel with skin on her.
By then, the cancer was in remission.
And now, it has come back.
Im trying so very hard not to live in fear. But Im scared. Part of me is scared for her, I dont want her to have to go through this....again. I dont want her to have to suffer any kind of physical pain, I dont want her to have to suffer any emotional pain or fear.
And the selfish, self-centered part of me is scared for myself.
I cannot picture my life without her in it. Our phone- calls, our sharing of intimate things, our laughter, our support of each other as we try to practice these principles in all our affairs. In that place of fear, my mind tries to fast forward itself...how would I ever find another sponsor like her? Who would I call when life was driving me crazy? Who would call me on my nonsence?
~sigh~
I've learned enough to know that my job today is to be in the moment....that I need to enjoy and contribute to all the blessings God has given me. I've learned enough to know that for every second I spend on the fear, I am wasting precious moments that could be better spent attempting to be genuine and authentic with everyone around me.
For every moment I worry about what I will do when she is no longer here, I have wasted the moments I do have with her.
It is in these moments that I really struggle in praying for God's will.
It is in these moments that I really struggle with the what if's?
And then I remember that it was God's will that placed her on my path to begin with.