Lets see what comes out.

I have no idea what to write about today. My state of mind is a hurried mess, so I hope that as I sit down to type I can slow it down and stop the feelings of being overwhelmed.
Ah-ha! There it is! I had a look at what I just typed......"stop the feelings of...."
Every addict/alcoholics wish.
To stop some kind of feeling we dont like.
Its foreign for me to sit in a feeling, espcially one that doesnt feel good.
Its even more foreign for me to pay attention to it, to what it might be trying to tell me.
For the last week or so, Ive been a hurried mess....rushing from one commitment to another, trying to squeeze it all in, dealing with a sneaking suspicion that Im not doing any of it very well.
While being busy and useful, for an addict like me is generally a good thing, I have started to recognize that I dont have very much balance. I work almost full time, I am in my second year of college, I attend a weekly Big Book study, I have a commitment to sponsees every week, I have a home group, a husband, a 12 year old and three kids who are grown and living on their own. Add to all of that the regualar life stuff like laundry, groceries, house work and I simply dont have enough days/hours to accomplish it all.
I have had feelings of guilt that I am neglecting my daughter and my husband, or only offering them what is left of me at the end of a long day.
Sitting in this feeling of being a hurried mess is actually forcing me to have a look at some things I need to.
I decided to finish my Big Book study at the end of this month and then make that day a commitment to my daughter and husband.
It baffles me that I was willing to commit to meetings/work/school and somehow squeeze family in at the end.
One of the reasons I got clean and sober to begin with was because I had this horrible empty space where family should be. I edged everyone out and replaced them with booze and drugs. If I still edge them out to replace them with meetings and sponsees and school and work, well....thats not really living the principals of the program, is it?
Ahhh...oddly enough, the hurried mess feeling has taken care of itself.
Im kinda giddy thinking about baking cakes and playing games with my kid. Taking her to grandmas for a visit and sipping coffee with my mom. Holding my hubby's hand and watching a movie.
Work wont go away...I have financial commitments and I can live with that.
School...I dont want it to go away. I was a 16 year old drop out and I think its an important growth opportunity for me, as well as showing my kids that education is important, even at the age of 40.
Home group and a few weekly meetings wont go away either. They cant. Ive heard more times than I can count how relapse begins with not going to meetings any more.
Above all, I am just going to keep praying that God show me the way to have balance and structure in my life. Keep me willing to show up and do my best to be of maximum service, without leaving anyone out.