Catching the junkie mid-thought

Posted 06 February 2014 - 02:14 PM Day 13 Guess what? I don't smoke. Addiction will remember the things I should forget, and forget the things I should remember. I realized yesterday, that it's not the smoking I miss.....it's the social aspect of it. And then (cue the noise of brakes on pavement, slamming hard) What??? Social aspect?? Seriously, when? How often?? When I honestly evaluated, probably only 5-10% of my smoking time was with other people/other smokers. The rest of the time, I was alone in my car, alone on my back deck, alone in a corner somewhere, on the street somewhere. Smoking alone. By myself. NOT social. It's funny (and sneaky!) what addiction does if I'm not on guard. Addiction will have me remember that 5-10% of time where I was smoking with somebody. It will call it 'social' and try to blot out the fact that I can do that without a cigarette. Addiction will downplay the 90-95% of the time I spent alone smoking. Stinking. Hiding. Panicking if I thought I'd run out before days end. The shame and the ignorance....oh the ignorance!! I had NO IDEA I smelled that bad after coming in from a smoke. It's wretched. I smell it now. Gag worthy. Addiction is a subtle foe. I must be on guard against it's destructive force. Destructive isn't even a strong enough word. Addiction wants to kill me. I won't let it.

Suicide on the installment plan

Hell week and heck week....over :) Im a non-smoker. That smells of sweet-pea lotion with undertones of the spaghetti I ate for breakfast :) I read an interesting article ( www.thebeggarsbakery.net ) called Skewer the Stigma: In the wake of losing a star (Phillip Hoffman) It was a good read, and while it doesn't deal with nicotine specifically, I wondered how different it really is?? I would be willing to bet that the average smoker (or even the average person who has quit) would bristle at being compared to a heroin addict. On the surface, they do look very different: At the height of my addiction to alcohol and cocaine, death appeared imminent. It was impossible to hide my addiction....whereas I could easily be a closet smoker if I had wanted to and the majority of the damage I would cause would be to myself. Not so with other addictions. They will take the family and friends who love you, and bring them to their knees, empty their bank accounts and steal a normal life from them. Nicotine is no less damaging. Its just hidden better than the ravages of heroin or oxycontin. At first. ALL of it is suicide on the installment plan.......some plans just have a shorter installment plan than others. Smoking is suicide on an installment plan. And its an ugly death that ravages peoples bodies. I know....Ive seen it first hand. More than once. Im happy to be smoke free today. 2 weeks in. My mindset has changed. One cannot undo awareness.....I cannot go backwards. I cant unlearn the things Ive learned. I cannot convert the truths back into a lie and believe them. Im thankful for that.

Sing It With Me

Posted 13 February 2014 - 03:20 PM 20 days of freedom. "You don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't spit into the wind, you don't pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger and you don't mess around with Jim" ~Jim Croce~ I think it was 1984 when I began smoking. And I was as serious about it as a budding star studying their part for their debut on broadway. In order to fit, to be cool...I knew I had to get it right. I had to smoke the right kind (there were Players or DuMaurier, those were the cool kinds. Smoke something else and people assumed you stole them from your grandmother) I chose Dumaurier. The pack was red and I liked red. Back then it cost me $3.10. Easy to buy, I just used my lunch money. I spent my free time, the time I could escape from my parents watchful eye, in the park.....practicing. Practicing inhaling. Practicing making smoke trail up my nose. I practiced until the sick feeling passed, until my skin didn't feel/look green anymore. I practiced until I had it down....I looked like a smoker. How sad, I look back at that girl and shake my head at the willingness to push through the most awful, disgusting, sick feeling......in order to fit in. How very sad. I was the girl who spit into the wind. Regularly. Did I know back then? How addictive and harmful cigarettes were? Was the information there and I ignored it as a reckless teen would? Did I know that someday, I would struggle to rid myself of the addiction? That I would no longer see it as cool, but as shameful and weak? Would I have cared back then? Would my 14yr old self cared one little bit? Maya Angelou said "When you know better, you do better" I know better now. I am not that 14 year old girl. Im not that 25yr old, or even that 40 year old. I am not willing to go through another quit. THIS is my quit. THIS is the quit that matters. There are no future quits....that is not an option. Smoking is not an option. I know better now. So I will do better. I will not tug on Superman's cape anymore.

I Plan......The Universe Laughs

Posted 16 February 2014 - 12:14 PM “I used to think if you fell from grace it was more likely than not the result of one stupendous error, or else an unfortunate accident. I hadn't learned that it can happen so gradually you don't lose your stomach or hurt yourself in the landing. You don't necessarily sense the motion. I've found it takes at least two and generally three things to alter the course of a life: You slip around the truth once, and then again, and one more time, and there you are, feeling, for a moment, that it was sudden, your arrival at the bottom of the heap.” ~Jane Hamilton, A Map of the World~ I'm feeling strong, assured in my quit. I think its been 23 days. I've had a rough couple of days and it just never occurred to me that picking up a cigarette (an anything.....a drink, a pill, an 8-ball.....) was the answer. Emotional stuff, life doing what it does and throwing some curve balls. I suppose this strong assured feeling has come from knowing that if I can make it through last week without smoking, then I can make it through anything without smoking. And then..... Because I have knowledge about addiction (different than wisdom by the way. I would hardly call myself wise when it comes to my own addictions) I am aware of things like complacency, ego, cockiness. I know that those things can and will contribute to my 'fall from grace'. So how do I prevent that? How do I prevent myself from slipping around the truth? I believe it is dangerous territory for me to say "I've got this" and then attempt to carry on as if I never was addicted, be it to nicotine, alcohol or any other substance. I guess that's why some of the Old Pharts (I think that name is so stupid by the way) encourage members to stick to the board for at least a year. Ive made that commitment. (Now, because I think its an [beeeep]-ish thing to do.....to talk about 'life throwing me curve balls and not elaborate, I will do that for anyone who may be reading. I hate when I read the words of others, be it a blog, an article, a facebook status.....and they are vague! Damnit, if you are going to allude to it...then out with it! Gimmee the goods!)) My daughter, the one who has just had a baby (yup, the baby I quit smoking for) is coming home. With baby in tow. Life as we know it is about to change. Seriously change. Of 4 kids, we just had the youngest left at home. And she's 16....well on her way to independence. Over the last year we did a major house renovation. We gutted the main floor of our home and made it the house of our dreams. We didn't choose fits and finishes with children in mind......we chose what we liked. And now, sooner than we expected, we are going to have to begin phase two.....the lower level. We are going to need to accommodate daughter and baby. Short term, its ok.....we give up the bedroom that was an office and give it to them. Thank goodness she is coming home. We've been hoping for this since she met the 'baby-daddy' 4 years ago. To say that he has issues would be the understatement of the century. But he finally 'fell from grace' and she was willing to see it with the whole truth this time. He isn't interested in changing. Thank goodness we are in a position to be able to offer her and the baby a safe, nurturing home. Thank goodness she doesn't have to be one more girl in social housing, trying desperately to somehow get out of the system. Not one bit of this is ideal. This was not our plan. We have to give up plans we had in order to accommodate this 'curve ball'. Building our new garage has to wait. Our boat will continue to stay in off-site storage for another year or two. My beautifully designed living room is going to fill up with baby stuff. Tiny people come with a lot of gear! I don't want it to appear I am full of complaints. I know I am blessed. I truly am. But life as I know it is about to change.

Cool J calms the Grandma

osted 03 March 2014 - 02:20 PM "When adversity strikes, that's when you have to be the most calm. Take a step back, stay strong, stay grounded and press on." ~LL Cool J~ Hahaha...I don't even really know who LL Cool J is, a rapper? An actor? An artist of some kind that has obviously changed his name. And Im old enough to think his name change was dumb. But I like the quote. I honestly don't know how long Ive been smoke free. 6 weeks maybe? Im just not counting, it somehow doesn't seem very important anymore. I just think of myself as a non-smoker. Its a nice corner to turn in my mind.....because along with not thinking about smoking, Im not very often thinking about not smoking. (Did that make sense??) I may even have had whole entire days where smoking/not smoking doesn't even enter my thoughts! I keep forgetting to take my champix though......I needed to set a reminder alarm on my phone. I would just throw the damn things out and be done with them, except I made a commitment to my Dr that I would follow through and stay on them for 12 weeks as long as I didn't experience any troublesome side effects. My house and home is upside down. Not physically (except for the baby gear that has taken over my once posh looking adult living room).....no no, its more of an emotional thing. For anyone who has followed, my daughter and baby came to live with us a couple of weeks ago. Since then, many things have happened, some good, some frustrating, and some that make me contemplate the merits of a hit-man. (For the record, this is nothing more than idle fantasy). The appropriate professionals have become involved and this is good. Hubby and I are simply not capable of undoing all of the damage that the baby-daddy has done. Posted Image It breaks my heart to have discovered all that has transpired in the last 4 years she has spent with him, and how very little she thought of herself to allow it to continue. Posted Image It is my greatest hope that she is not one of the large percentage of women who go back to their abusers. That is a very real possibility. Ive seen the statistics. Posted Image In the meantime, its day by day. One task at a time. One focus at a time. I had to have a mini-breakdown before I recalled how very important it is to take care of myself. If I don't, Im of no use to others. Ive upped my intake of 12 step meetings, upped my communication with my healthy go-to people, and scheduled down time for myself. Without hesitation I can say, my smoking career is over. This current drama that weaves itself in and out of my home is the most stressful thing I have ever been through. It has robbed me of sleep, I have lost 6 pounds (Ha!! Who says you gain weight when you quit smoking?!) yet.....I know smoking is not an answer. It would not relieve the stress. It would not help in any way, shape or form. And I have kept my commitment....to myself and my baby grandson. I will NOT be the stinky grandma.

The irrational fear

Posted 10 March 2014 - 01:57 PM One of my most uncomfortable moments when I began this journey was 'giving up' my socializing time with my friends before and after my 12 step meeting. I became convinced that ALL alcoholics are smokers, they would all be puffing away before the meeting and I'd miss all the good conversation, and they would all be puffing away after the meeting and I'd have to rush through the cloud of smoke, holding my breath, hop in my car and drive home, lonely and miserable. So, its been 6 weeks. Last night, I attended my 'home group'.......and after the meeting I stood with the smokers, chatting. Not once did it cross my mind that I would like to smoke with them. In fact, it looked stupid......these people putting these rolled up pieces of paper/tobacco/chemicals into their mouths and inhaling it into their lungs. I didn't feel jealous, anxious, judgemental, I just felt.....apathetic. I felt nothing. Weird. That my biggest fear was that I'd never be able to stand with my friends again, and there I was.....chatting and being a non-smoker. I don't smoke. Posted Image And the before the meeting time....? It turns out that ALL alcoholics don't smoke. There are plenty of people sitting inside, waiting for the meeting to begin, having perfectly good conversations without a cigarette dangling from their lips. Go figure.

I am a non-smoker, with cheerleaders!

Posted 12 March 2014 - 10:51 PM So......I have a quit smoking cheerleader in my corner.......my ex-husband's new wife Posted Image Is that weird? I don't think its weird, but when I mentioned to a couple of friends that she messages me or calls me to see how the quit is going, they were shocked. Posted Image I figure she probably wants her hubby, my ex, to quit too....and maybe this would give him incentive. Or drive him crazy. Plus, she likes me. And I like her.......she's a pretty awesome lady. Posted Image In the middle of the snowstorm today, I said eff-it and got in my car and drove to a trendy new coffee shop downtown and met a friend for fancy salted caramel latté. T'was delicious plus I got to have inappropriate, immature girly conversation.....something I really don't do often enough. I gossiped, I made fun of my in-laws, I moaned about my kids and my once mature home renovation now looking like a daycare center. At one point, I looked out the window and there was a pretty 20-something girl, huddled in the snowstorm, smoking. ~sigh~ "That's sad" I said to my friend (who was never a smoker, but does belong to my 12 step world so understands addiction perfectly well. "Ya well.....that was you 7 weeks ago missy" she replied. And it was. A little bit of snow and 80km hr winds wouldn't keep me from my smoke. And now........ A devious daughters ex-boyfriend, a baby in my newly renovated house, restraining orders and visits to police stations........none of this can make me smoke. Posted Image I am a non-smoker.