My alcoholic mind works in strange ways. From time to time, I will decide there are certain people I intensely dislike. I will let them take up residence in my head and spend inordinate amounts of time deciding why I don’t like them. Good thing I learned that my perception was/is screwed up.
Strange, as my recovery changes, the people whom I dislike change. I’ve been told that the reasons I dislike certain people are probably the things I need to look at in myself. How positively horrifying! I thought this was the biggest load of hooey when I first heard it.
It’s almost laughable how true those words have been in my journey. Let’s see: I “hated” Tanna because she was outgoing and pretty and made friends easily. But my alcoholic mind said I hate Tanna because she flirts with everyone, has to be the center of attention and probably spends all her money on fancy clothes instead of her kids like a good mom would do. Lesson that came through the steps: I am prone to jealous fits, I want to be the center of attention and resent anyone who takes my spot, and I judge all mothers because I wanted to know where I stood on the measuring stick of moms and had a sicko need to put others lower than me.
I “hated” Travis. He was simply there to teach everyone, had an ego the size of…..well I dunno, but bigger than everyone else’s, and he was a know-it-all. Hmmmm, so what did I find out through the steps? That I have some kind of oppositional defiance disorder. When someone wants to teach me then they better disguise it as something else so that I think I figured it out otherwise I’m closing my ears. I also learned that my ego was out of control and that’s why I was so quick to focus on others who I perceived as thinking they were better than me. Pride will kill me.
Then there was Janis. I “hated” her the most. She took up so much space in my head that I should have presented her a bill for rent. Sometimes on very bad days I still think I hate her. On a decent day I can tolerate her. On a particularly good day I might feel that she has something of value to give to somebody, somewhere. The strange thing is I find it hard to even tell you what I don’t like about her. Maybe it’s the way she walks around with her nose in the air. Maybe it’s the way she avoids me at meetings. Maybe it’s the way she appears fake. It could have something to do with how judgmental I think she is. And ungrateful. And gossipy. And materialistic.
When it slowly dawned on me that all the things I hated about her were the things I hated about myself, I wanted to barf. Was I really that person? Could I act that awful? Is that who I was?
What I learned through the steps: There is hope for me. I don’t have to live that way anymore. I don’t have to be that person I hate so much. Every day I can ask God to remove from me the character defects that get in the way of serving Him and doing His will. I can work on and cultivate the gifts God gave me. I can use those gifts to better the lives of others and as a bonus my life seems to improve. I am not, nor was I ever broken beyond repair. I just needed to have the willingness to look at myself.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Reminded by a newcomer
Once again, a newcomer reminded me of some powerful feelings that I needed to have stirred up.
She shared with me that 2 months in, she still didnt feel a sense of belonging. She felt that if she never came to another meeting, not one person would say "Hey...anybody seen that new girl lately?" Often, she goes to meetings alone and ends up sitting by herself. How sad. How very very sad.
Gave myself a right good kick in the pants for all the times Ive stood talking with my friends instead of looking around for people all by themselves. Gave myself another kick for forgetting how awful it feels to be alone and how wonderful it feels when somebody remembers your name and sits beside you in a meeting so you arent alone.
Ok done kicking myself. Into action from here on in.
She shared with me that 2 months in, she still didnt feel a sense of belonging. She felt that if she never came to another meeting, not one person would say "Hey...anybody seen that new girl lately?" Often, she goes to meetings alone and ends up sitting by herself. How sad. How very very sad.
Gave myself a right good kick in the pants for all the times Ive stood talking with my friends instead of looking around for people all by themselves. Gave myself another kick for forgetting how awful it feels to be alone and how wonderful it feels when somebody remembers your name and sits beside you in a meeting so you arent alone.
Ok done kicking myself. Into action from here on in.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Meeting you in my pajamas
Okay, do you know what drives me crazy? The brand new sober girls who come to meetings looking like they just stepped out of a photo shoot. Gorgeous outfits, every hair in place, flawless make-up, killer shoes and a hand bag to match. You know why it drives me crazy? Ummmm, cuz I did it. I didn’t realize at the time *why* I was doing it, but through my step work it was laid out on paper for me to see. It was a great way to keep people at bay. It was a way to send a message to everyone that I was FINE (which I now know to mean fucked-up interior, nice exterior). It stroked my ego and allowed me to feel better than people who didn’t look so well put together.
6 months in, I was wondering why I wasn’t connecting with anyone and why I didn’t feel better. I was physically sober, but emotional sobriety was a long way off.
After listening to a speaker one night address these issues, something started to click. I went up to thank her after the meeting and she took one look at me and said “Woooo girl! Don’t you look lovely! How long are you sober? Got a sponsor? What step are you on? Waddaya mean girls don’t like you? I have a suggestion for you and listen well. Go home, wash off that make-up, throw a ball cap on your head and go to a meeting wearing your pajamas.”
Huh? My pajamas? She didn’t mean those sexy pajamas either. She meant the flannel pj pants that bag in the bum.
It took me a few more weeks of doing things my way before I sucked it up and did as I was told.
I stripped away all the external bobbles that kept me hidden from the world. I threw on the jammies and went to a meeting.
I felt weird and uncomfortable and naked and vulnerable.
And people came up to me, sat beside me during the meeting, pulled me into conversations and invited me out for coffee. In my jammies! It looked to me like these weirdo alcoholics liked the me they could see without all the fixings. Huh. Go figure.
A cool thing happened as a result of taking that speakers suggestion. When I stripped off the physical masks that kept me from being completely and rigorously honest, I couldn’t help but to strip away some of the emotional masks that kept me from belonging and bonding and sharing.
So, if you are someone who dresses up to go to a meeting, I dare you to wear your jammies and see what happens. Do it……dig out those plaid pj pants and a baseball cap and get going.
6 months in, I was wondering why I wasn’t connecting with anyone and why I didn’t feel better. I was physically sober, but emotional sobriety was a long way off.
After listening to a speaker one night address these issues, something started to click. I went up to thank her after the meeting and she took one look at me and said “Woooo girl! Don’t you look lovely! How long are you sober? Got a sponsor? What step are you on? Waddaya mean girls don’t like you? I have a suggestion for you and listen well. Go home, wash off that make-up, throw a ball cap on your head and go to a meeting wearing your pajamas.”
Huh? My pajamas? She didn’t mean those sexy pajamas either. She meant the flannel pj pants that bag in the bum.
It took me a few more weeks of doing things my way before I sucked it up and did as I was told.
I stripped away all the external bobbles that kept me hidden from the world. I threw on the jammies and went to a meeting.
I felt weird and uncomfortable and naked and vulnerable.
And people came up to me, sat beside me during the meeting, pulled me into conversations and invited me out for coffee. In my jammies! It looked to me like these weirdo alcoholics liked the me they could see without all the fixings. Huh. Go figure.
A cool thing happened as a result of taking that speakers suggestion. When I stripped off the physical masks that kept me from being completely and rigorously honest, I couldn’t help but to strip away some of the emotional masks that kept me from belonging and bonding and sharing.
So, if you are someone who dresses up to go to a meeting, I dare you to wear your jammies and see what happens. Do it……dig out those plaid pj pants and a baseball cap and get going.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
To Thine Own Self Be True
To Thine Own Self Be True
That’s what it says…on my chips. I know I’ve turned them over dozens, maybe hundreds of times and looked at those words. I remember thinking “Ha! What an order! I can’t go through with it.”
I’ve wondered, and still wonder on many days what exactly those words mean. From my earliest memory, I know that I was a chameleon, morphing into what I thought others expected from me. Trying to fit in and having the sneaking suspicion that I was failing miserably. I tried to fit with the athletic girls. That lasted until I was picked last for a team and internalized that as “I’m no good. Nobody wants me”. I tried to fit with the kids who got A’s. Woo, that lasted until I figured out how hard I was going to have to work. I tried to fit with the pretty girls, but there was always somebody prettier than me and besides, my parents wouldn’t let me wear make-up at age 12 and sneaking into the drugstore every morning to apply my face with the samples was ridiculous. Plus I got caught wearing the stuff and got grounded. I tried to fit with the artsy crowd, but I didn’t paint, can’t draw a stick figure, don’t play any musical instruments and poetry seemed dumb.
So I fit where all the other misfits did. With the ones who drank and used drugs. In that crowd I didn’t have to strive for A’s and study my butt off. I wasn’t required to pick up a baseball or run around chasing a soccer ball. Nobody cared if I read books or painted or sculpted. I didn’t have to wear the latest fashions or have my hair done at the trendiest salon. It was so easy to fit and belong with them. All that was required was that I share what I had.
Fast forward 25 years. I still belong with a bunch of drug addicts and alcoholics. Only now we are recovering.
And now I’m wondering if I had of strived for A’s if I could have got them. I wonder if I could have learned to play the guitar and understand poetry. I wonder if I like photography so much because that is the artsy part of me striving to come out.
I don’t want to waste any more time caring where I fit or don’t fit. I fit where I decide. I don’t have to be the smartest, prettiest, funniest, or most talented. I just have to be me and strive to be the me that God intended. To a non-addict or non-alcoholic, it might sound funny that being true to myself is a daily ongoing struggle. But I know in the rooms of AA I have found a place where I can practice being myself and learning to be ok with who I am. Imperfect. Blessedly, wonderfully imperfect.
That’s what it says…on my chips. I know I’ve turned them over dozens, maybe hundreds of times and looked at those words. I remember thinking “Ha! What an order! I can’t go through with it.”
I’ve wondered, and still wonder on many days what exactly those words mean. From my earliest memory, I know that I was a chameleon, morphing into what I thought others expected from me. Trying to fit in and having the sneaking suspicion that I was failing miserably. I tried to fit with the athletic girls. That lasted until I was picked last for a team and internalized that as “I’m no good. Nobody wants me”. I tried to fit with the kids who got A’s. Woo, that lasted until I figured out how hard I was going to have to work. I tried to fit with the pretty girls, but there was always somebody prettier than me and besides, my parents wouldn’t let me wear make-up at age 12 and sneaking into the drugstore every morning to apply my face with the samples was ridiculous. Plus I got caught wearing the stuff and got grounded. I tried to fit with the artsy crowd, but I didn’t paint, can’t draw a stick figure, don’t play any musical instruments and poetry seemed dumb.
So I fit where all the other misfits did. With the ones who drank and used drugs. In that crowd I didn’t have to strive for A’s and study my butt off. I wasn’t required to pick up a baseball or run around chasing a soccer ball. Nobody cared if I read books or painted or sculpted. I didn’t have to wear the latest fashions or have my hair done at the trendiest salon. It was so easy to fit and belong with them. All that was required was that I share what I had.
Fast forward 25 years. I still belong with a bunch of drug addicts and alcoholics. Only now we are recovering.
And now I’m wondering if I had of strived for A’s if I could have got them. I wonder if I could have learned to play the guitar and understand poetry. I wonder if I like photography so much because that is the artsy part of me striving to come out.
I don’t want to waste any more time caring where I fit or don’t fit. I fit where I decide. I don’t have to be the smartest, prettiest, funniest, or most talented. I just have to be me and strive to be the me that God intended. To a non-addict or non-alcoholic, it might sound funny that being true to myself is a daily ongoing struggle. But I know in the rooms of AA I have found a place where I can practice being myself and learning to be ok with who I am. Imperfect. Blessedly, wonderfully imperfect.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Heard this song with a new ear
Share The Land
by The Guess Who
written by Burton Cummings
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have you been around?
Have you done your share a-coming down
Of different things that people do
Have you been aware?
You got brothers and sisters who care
About what's gonna happen to you
In a year from now
Maybe I'll be there to shake your hand
(Shake your hand)
Baby, I'll be there to share the land
(Share the land)
That they'll be givin' away
When we oughta live together
I'm talkin' bout together, now
Maybe I'll be there to shake your hand
(Shake your hand)
Baby, I'll be there to share the land
(Share the land)
That they'll be givin' away
When we oughta live together
We're talkin' bout together, now
(Guitars)
Did you pay your dues?
Did you read the news
This morning when the paper landed in your yard?
Do you know their names?
Can you play their games
Without losin' track, and comin' down a bit too, hard?
Oh, maybe I'll be there to shake your hand
(Shake your hand)
Baby, I'll be there to share the land
(Share the land)
That they'll be givin' away
When we oughta live together
We're, talkin' bout together, now
Maybe I'll be there to shake your hand
(Shake your hand)
Baby, I'll be there to share the land
That they'd be givin' away
When we oughta live together
We're talkin' bout together, now
(Guitars)
Mmm, maybe I'll be there to shake your hand
(Shake you hand)
Baby, I'll be there to share the land
(Share the land)
That they'll be givin' away
When we oughta live together
We're talkin' bout together, now
Maybe I'll be there to shake your hand
(Shake your hand)
Maybe I'll be there to share the land
(Share the land)
That they'll be givin' away
When we oughta live together
Together, together
(Shake your hand)
You know I'll be standin' by
(Share the land)
To hold you if you worry
(Shake your hand)
No more sadness, no more sorrow
(Share the land)
And no more bad times
(Shake your hand)
Everyday comin' sunshine
(Share the land)
Everyday, everybody laughin'
(Shake your hand)
Walkin' together by the river
(Share the land)
Walkin' together and laughin'
(Shake your hand)
Everybody singin' together
(Share the land)
Everybody singin' and laughin'
(Shake your hand)
Good times, good times
(Share the land)
Everybody, walkin' by the river, now
(Shake your hand)
Walkin', singin', talkin'
(Share the land)
Smilin', laughin', diggin' each other
(Shake your hand)
Everybody happy, together
(Share the land)
I'll be there to worry if you need-a me
(Shake your hand)
Call on me, call on me
(Share the land)
Call my name, I'll be runnin' to help you
FADES-
(Shake your hand)
Everybody, walkin' by the river, now
(Share the land)
Every night, everybody laughin'
(Shake your hand)
Everybody singin' n' talkin'
(Share the land)
Smilin', laughin', diggin' each other
(Share).
by The Guess Who
written by Burton Cummings
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have you been around?
Have you done your share a-coming down
Of different things that people do
Have you been aware?
You got brothers and sisters who care
About what's gonna happen to you
In a year from now
Maybe I'll be there to shake your hand
(Shake your hand)
Baby, I'll be there to share the land
(Share the land)
That they'll be givin' away
When we oughta live together
I'm talkin' bout together, now
Maybe I'll be there to shake your hand
(Shake your hand)
Baby, I'll be there to share the land
(Share the land)
That they'll be givin' away
When we oughta live together
We're talkin' bout together, now
(Guitars)
Did you pay your dues?
Did you read the news
This morning when the paper landed in your yard?
Do you know their names?
Can you play their games
Without losin' track, and comin' down a bit too, hard?
Oh, maybe I'll be there to shake your hand
(Shake your hand)
Baby, I'll be there to share the land
(Share the land)
That they'll be givin' away
When we oughta live together
We're, talkin' bout together, now
Maybe I'll be there to shake your hand
(Shake your hand)
Baby, I'll be there to share the land
That they'd be givin' away
When we oughta live together
We're talkin' bout together, now
(Guitars)
Mmm, maybe I'll be there to shake your hand
(Shake you hand)
Baby, I'll be there to share the land
(Share the land)
That they'll be givin' away
When we oughta live together
We're talkin' bout together, now
Maybe I'll be there to shake your hand
(Shake your hand)
Maybe I'll be there to share the land
(Share the land)
That they'll be givin' away
When we oughta live together
Together, together
(Shake your hand)
You know I'll be standin' by
(Share the land)
To hold you if you worry
(Shake your hand)
No more sadness, no more sorrow
(Share the land)
And no more bad times
(Shake your hand)
Everyday comin' sunshine
(Share the land)
Everyday, everybody laughin'
(Shake your hand)
Walkin' together by the river
(Share the land)
Walkin' together and laughin'
(Shake your hand)
Everybody singin' together
(Share the land)
Everybody singin' and laughin'
(Shake your hand)
Good times, good times
(Share the land)
Everybody, walkin' by the river, now
(Shake your hand)
Walkin', singin', talkin'
(Share the land)
Smilin', laughin', diggin' each other
(Shake your hand)
Everybody happy, together
(Share the land)
I'll be there to worry if you need-a me
(Shake your hand)
Call on me, call on me
(Share the land)
Call my name, I'll be runnin' to help you
FADES-
(Shake your hand)
Everybody, walkin' by the river, now
(Share the land)
Every night, everybody laughin'
(Shake your hand)
Everybody singin' n' talkin'
(Share the land)
Smilin', laughin', diggin' each other
(Share).
I love this poem!
AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS
by Portia Nelson
I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.
II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V
I walk down another street.
by Portia Nelson
I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.
II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V
I walk down another street.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Giving it away
Strange concept, isn’t it? That we have to give something away to keep it?
I know for many many years, I was a user and a taker and I never gave anyone much of anything except misery, heartache, worry and pain. I thought my real problem was that I was a “needy” person, cuz see that put the onus on you to fill my needs and when you didn’t it fueled my reasons for drinking and using. What I really was, was an emotional vacume and I would suck the life right out of you and then move on to the next person who I thought could fill my needs. See, my real problem is that Im a selfish and self-centered human being that saw alcohol as a solution for my living problem.
When I first walked into the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, I tried to do what I had always done. I tried to latch on to anyone who could fill that need, that big gaping hole inside my soul. I tried to find the “perfect” sponsor who could be responsible for getting me sober, keeping me sober and in the process would make me feel better. Im more grateful today than I ever have been that God has a plan for me and if I get out of His way and allow Him to work in my life, then that internal void doesn’t need to be filled with humans who I expect perfection from. The sponsor I have has been God directed, I wholeheartedly believe that. The process in which I got to her was God directed, and she will tell you that all she did for me was share her experience, strength and hope through the 12 steps and that it was God directed. She worked the steps with me and then told me to go out and do the same with some other suffering alcoholic who wanted it. Not someone who needed it (God knows there are plenty of those) but someone who wanted it.
Today I understand the concept of giving it away to keep it. When I work with another alcoholic, even though its uncomfortable, even though Im afraid Im going to screw up (or worse yet, screw them up) then I understand and get to experience the promises in my life.
Remember the ripple effect that was caused by our drinking and using? I drink……kids suffer, parents suffer, hubby suffers, employer suffers, creditors suffer, friends suffer and the list goes on.
Now, I help another alcoholic and I win, kids wins, parents win, hubby wins, employer wins, creditors win and friends win. And while its pretty cool that I win as a result, the best feeling ever is giving something away and watching another person benefit from that. Today I am so thankful to be useful instead of useless.
I know for many many years, I was a user and a taker and I never gave anyone much of anything except misery, heartache, worry and pain. I thought my real problem was that I was a “needy” person, cuz see that put the onus on you to fill my needs and when you didn’t it fueled my reasons for drinking and using. What I really was, was an emotional vacume and I would suck the life right out of you and then move on to the next person who I thought could fill my needs. See, my real problem is that Im a selfish and self-centered human being that saw alcohol as a solution for my living problem.
When I first walked into the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, I tried to do what I had always done. I tried to latch on to anyone who could fill that need, that big gaping hole inside my soul. I tried to find the “perfect” sponsor who could be responsible for getting me sober, keeping me sober and in the process would make me feel better. Im more grateful today than I ever have been that God has a plan for me and if I get out of His way and allow Him to work in my life, then that internal void doesn’t need to be filled with humans who I expect perfection from. The sponsor I have has been God directed, I wholeheartedly believe that. The process in which I got to her was God directed, and she will tell you that all she did for me was share her experience, strength and hope through the 12 steps and that it was God directed. She worked the steps with me and then told me to go out and do the same with some other suffering alcoholic who wanted it. Not someone who needed it (God knows there are plenty of those) but someone who wanted it.
Today I understand the concept of giving it away to keep it. When I work with another alcoholic, even though its uncomfortable, even though Im afraid Im going to screw up (or worse yet, screw them up) then I understand and get to experience the promises in my life.
Remember the ripple effect that was caused by our drinking and using? I drink……kids suffer, parents suffer, hubby suffers, employer suffers, creditors suffer, friends suffer and the list goes on.
Now, I help another alcoholic and I win, kids wins, parents win, hubby wins, employer wins, creditors win and friends win. And while its pretty cool that I win as a result, the best feeling ever is giving something away and watching another person benefit from that. Today I am so thankful to be useful instead of useless.
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